If He Will Do It for You, He Will Do It to You

“If he will do it for you, he will do it to you.”

This line is from the book Dateable by Justing Lookadoo and Haley DiMarco. They write for teens dipping their toes into the romantic world, so adults and seasoned daters already know a lot of their stuff, like saving sex for marriage. (If you are raising teens, I recommend you get them this book!)

The line “if he will do it for you, he will do it to you” is the title of the chapter regarding behavior patterns. It doesn’t seem all that groundbreaking, but if we dive in, even seasoned daters can take a lot from it. 

How many of us (male or female!) have fallen for someone who breaks up with a significant other in order to date us instead? Or someone who went through a string of bad boyfriends before they finally found you? Someone who ditches work or class in favor of a spontaneous date?

All those things can feel rewarding and flattering in the moment, like something from a movie. It feels great to be treated like the most important thing in someone’s life, especially with exciting drama. But are these romantic comedy tropes green lights or red flags?

There’s a lot to be learned from people’s relationship histories.

By looking at how someone has behaved in past relationships, especially relationships that didn’t work out, you can get a measure of their character. How? Character can be measured by patterns of behavior. Take these scenarios, for example:

• So your girlfriend and that guy are just friends, but you and she started out as just friends too. How long will it be until this new “just friend” turns into “new boyfriend?”
• You date someone on the condition he converts to your religion. Sure, you might be happy now, but what happens when he decides to attend a different church, or finds a reason to leave it altogether?
• Your new fling has been divorced three times in the past, but swears up and down that this time it’s different because you’re the right person. Have you wondered if they thought each consecutive spouse was the right person, too?

Are you seeing the common denominator in these? People’s patterns of behavior, especially in relationships, can predict how that person will act/react in the present or future. No, I’m not saying people can’t change. (More on that in a second.) What I am saying is to watch for behavior patterns that are dangerous, both in yourself and in others. 

How can you recognize a dangerous pattern of behavior?

It boils down to whether you or your date is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. (Isn’t that a famous definition for insanity, by the way?) 

• It’s fairly common for someone to end a relationship because they’re more interested in someone else, or for “just friends” to start dating. It becomes dangerous when that’s how every relationship ends. It leaves the dater unable to commit because they’re either continually on the lookout for the next person, or unable to draw social boundaries between friendship and romance. 
• Converting to another Christian denomination also happens a lot. But expecting someone to convert just to please you is trying to push an idea ahead of the person. Missionary dating isn’t loving someone where they are in their spiritual journey—it’s trying to change them before they’re ready, just to fit your own timeline.
• Skipping a boring lecture once a semester to go for a hike with your sweetheart isn’t that big a deal to most people. But what happens when this becomes a coping mechanism for a depressing career, or escapism from responsibilities? Someone who won’t stick to their professional commitments isn’t ready to commit to a person, either.
• Many people have a long list of exes. But what if all the exes are non-Christians, players, users, or abusers? This speaks volumes about the person who voluntarily dated them. Often, strings of similar exes points to crippling insecurity, serious immaturity, or affinity for drama instead of real connection. Usually, a person who continually dates (or marries) an unhealthy “type” may be incapable of recognizing why their relationships don’t work out.

See what I’m saying? An occurrence or simple mistake isn’t a big deal. But it can become a big deal when they turn into repetitive markers of unhealthy behaviors. This is what “if he will do it for you, he will do it to you” is all about. It points out how patterns of behavior, left unchecked, repeat themselves. And this can spell serious disaster in relationships. 

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room I’ve just created.

Does this mean everyone who’s made romantic mistakes is doomed to loneliness?

That all we can measure up to is our failures? Quite the opposite. I believe that we can all measure up to what we learn from our mistakes.

Recall the thrice-married, thrice-divorced fellow. Can he have a successful marriage even after his past? He can, if he knows what went wrong and how to not repeat the problem. What about the person who keeps jumping from “just friend” to “just friend?” If she can learn how to draw the line between friendships and romance, she will learn how to commit to one partner. Et cetera, et cetera.

The kicker is, breaking the pattern of behavior requires change—real change in perspectives, actions, and expectations. Learning from mistakes is what makes us better and ready to build new relationships that last.

Let’s close with a few things you can take with you into your own romantic world.

a) Review your own behavior. Do you have any sketchy behavior patterns, history of breakups, or unhealthy romantic tendencies? Are they stopping you from building the life and romance you want? Take a little time to reflect and pray about yourself here.

b) Watch for the indicators of unhealthy behavior patterns in others. Are you hearing statements like "it’ll be different with you" or "I’ve just not met the right person yet?" What about “I’m not good enough for you” or “I guess I just like the bad boys?” Learn how to identify these symptoms of unhealthy patterns.

c) Be aware of whether you or your date has moved past a negative behavior pattern. If you’ve learned from mistakes, or if the other person has stopped repeating his/her mistakes, it very well could be different this time. Be open and forgiving to those who have truly worked to change.