Here's How To Tell If You're Dating The Wrong Person

Finding the right person can be a tricky endeavor.

After a breakup, have you ever found yourself wondering if there were signs you just missed that this person wasn’t right for you? Maybe you were so excited about their potential that you were blind to their red flags. Maybe you didn’t even realize there were red flags until it was too late.

I’m sure we are all aware of the obvious red flags, like if they are blatantly rude or show frightening anger. However, some red flags have become such common practice in dating that they are harder to identify. Here are some of the more subtle things that you should look out for as a Catholic who is intentionally dating. 

1. Oversharing

Have you ever been on a first date and thought, “Wow, I feel like that person is telling me their whole life story”? If so, your date might not have a healthy sense of boundaries. Emotional boundaries are important for protecting our emotional intimacy, much like physical boundaries protect our chastity.

Oversharing can lead to a false sense of intimacy. Getting to know each other is a gradual and reciprocal process; you don’t have to learn everything about each other on the first date, and your date shouldn’t only talk about themselves. If you leave your first date feeling like their therapist, this is a red flag. 

It is important to note that sometimes, people talk more than usual on a first date because they are nervous. The key here is to look at the content of what was shared, rather than how much a person talked. If you feel uneasy about the intimacy of what was shared, that is probably a good sign that your date overshared. 

2. Not Respecting "No"

Remember that scene in the movie The Notebook, when Noah first met Aly at the carnival? He asked her for a date, and she said no. Rather than respecting her answer, he dangled from the ferris wheel and threatened to fall off unless she agreed to date him. This scene is intended to be romantic, but really, it should send up a warning. Is this persistence actually manipulation? 

Many of us would expect someone to honor our “no” regarding physical boundaries; why do we overlook other violations?

If you don’t want to discuss a certain topic, your date should respect that.

If your date suggests an activity that you don’t want to do (or don’t feel safe doing), he or she shouldn’t push the issue. 

If your date’s desires and interests are more important to them than making you feel comfortable, this can be indicative of selfishness. Ultimately, marriage is a selfless vocation. We want our future spouse to be as concerned about us as they are themselves, if not more so! If your date doesn’t honor your “no” in the small things, they likely will not honor your “no” in the more important things. You deserve a date who respects you and your opinions, even if he or she does not agree with them.

3. Lovebombing

We should date with intention. In fact, what makes us different as Catholics is that we often date with marriage in the forefront of our minds. However, on a first date, comments such as “Our kids would be so cute”, “I’m wondering if I’m looking at my future spouse!”, or “I’m falling in love with you” are inappropriate.

This behavior is referred to as “lovebombing” and while it may seem sweet, it’s an unhealthy way to force an attachment very quickly. It can also be a signal that your date is more interested in just finding someone, rather than getting to know you, specifically.

Online dating is different in that you could be talking for months before finally meeting. In those types of situations, you have already established a bond, and it is natural to feel strong feelings upon finally meeting in person. However, if you have only been chatting for a short while before meeting, and your date says something like the above comments, or makes those kinds of comments during initial getting-to-know-you conversations, consider it a red flag.

4. Dishonesty

It might seem obvious, but if you are finding inconsistencies in what your date is telling you—or from what was in his or her profile—this could be a red flag. 

Did your date say in their profile that they love reading, but then they couldn’t name the last book they read?

Does their profile state that they agree with the Church’s teaching on premarital sex, but they speak casually about sexual matters? 

Do they speak vaguely and avoid answering questions directly?

This person may have exaggerated in their profile to seem more appealing, or they may be outright lying. If this seems like a pattern of behavior, you probably will not want to continue dating this person. Relationships require honesty and vulnerability, and for whatever reason, this person cannot give you that. 

Some people may be dishonest about their beliefs sections in their profiles because they didn’t want to be judged or skipped over based on their answers. While this is understandable, it does not justify the behavior.

What benefit is there to dating someone with whom your views are not compatible? Successful Catholic relationships thrive under shared beliefs, and if you are not on the same page about the important things, your relationship probably will not work. Remember, it is not your responsibility to convert your partner.

What to do if you notice these red flags on a date?

Discern the best course of action, and ask the Holy Spirit to guide your discernment. If you feel called to give this person the benefit of the doubt, ask them about the behavior you have observed. They may not be aware they have been doing this.

You can also try establishing a boundary by saying something like, “I don’t want to talk about such personal things so soon.” If they become defensive, it’s probably best to move on. If they apologize and attempt to correct their behavior, you may choose to proceed with caution. However, keep in mind that this may be an ingrained pattern of behavior that may present itself again.

Trust your gut! If you feel uncomfortable, there is probably a good reason.