What Should I Do If My Marriage Was Annuled?

There are certain days you never forget.

For me, one of those days was the day I received my annulment decision, stating my Catholic marriage was found to be null. On January 11, 2017, I got a letter that filled my heart with such relief and hope that my first marriage was not what I thought it was to begin with.

I could begin to close the door on that chapter of life. I began to look forward with hope (and some nerves) about beginning to date. I could start to rebuild a new, beautiful life for myself as a single woman in ways I never did before I got married.

My annulment decision gave me permission and hope to forge a new life for myself.

While at times it felt overwhelming or scary, I walked forward with expectant faith and hope that God would lead me in ways I could not begin to imagine.

Perhaps you can relate to this yourself as a divorced and/or annulled Catholic. You have received your annulment decision, but now what are you supposed to do?

Based on whether your annulment case was accepted, you will now be free to date. However, well before you think about hitting the online dating apps, there are a few important questions to consider.

Have you worked through your baggage and/or pain from your marriage?

I am a firm believer that everyone benefits from going to counseling at some point or another in life. We all have wounds or baggage we unseeingly carry. Especially after a divorce, there is a unique amount of pain and grieving that takes place; which usually means there is some deep soul work to be done.

Before you jump into creating a dating profile, take the time to reflect on if you have done your own healing work. My counselor reminded me after my divorce that before you begin a new relationship you want to make sure you have healed from the previous one. For Catholics, this would include the annulment process.

The advice she gave me four years ago has been a guiding principle as I began to date again. Do your own healing work before starting to date; you will be better for it in the end.

Where is your heart in terms of forgiving your former spouse?

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful teachings in Christianity, yet sometimes the most difficult to translate into our lived experience.

I am not coming from the perspective that forgiveness is easy (often it is difficult and messy!) or that I have perfectly figured it all out. Nevertheless, I have learned that coming to forgive my former spouse for his wrongs in our marriage was one of the most important parts of my own healing journey.

Forgiveness is not a one-time action; rather, it is a constant and continual process. You choose to forgive. If you are struggling with choosing to forgive your former spouse, ask Jesus daily to give you the desire to forgive. Praying that prayer daily for a period of months changed my life and opened my heart to desire to forgive my former husband.

Forgiveness is never easy, but with the desire and God’s grace, we can forgive those who hurt us the most.

Do you feel truly healed and whole to begin dating again?

Sure, we all want to find that special someone, but I am really going to challenge you with this question. Sit with some of these questions in the silence and your own prayer time with God: Am I ready to begin dating again? Have I done my healing work to begin dating in new, healthy ways? Do I approach dating from a perspective of wholeness or from my own loneliness/desire to meet someone new?

Whenever you begin to date, you want to attract the right kind of man or woman. My mom reminded me once, Patty, you want to attract a man who is as whole and healed as you are. That was one of the best pieces of advice my mom gave to me as I began to ease back into dating after my annulment.

Whenever you begin to date, make sure you are truly ready. Do not rush the process. Make sure you approach dating from a healthy place. Being aware of these things will help you attract someone who also values the same things.

Annulment decisions represent the end of something, your previous marriage in the Church. Annulments also represent the beginning of something new.

Be intentional about your next steps and be sure to come from a place of your own strength and wholeness.