Why You Need to Forgive Yourself

My friend had an affair a year ago.

He regretted it, cut off the illicit relationship, and tried to reconcile with his wife. Unfortunately, they are getting divorced. 

Understandably, his ex-wife’s family is angry with him. Friends from their church often send him email messages that are meant to be edifying but come across instead as judgmental and condescending. 

He knows what he did was wrong. At this point, he’s trying to pick up the pieces of his life, treat his former wife with respect, and do what’s best for their children moving forward.

His biggest struggle is forgiving himself.

He messaged me the other day and asked: “What if everyone is totally right though?… I’m just way off and failed.” 

I told him that of course he failed. But we all fail to varying degrees. That’s never to excuse the mistakes we’ve made and the pain we’ve caused others and ourselves. It’s just a fact. 

The Bible says that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). 

“There is none righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10).

But the Bible says something else too:

Love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). 

That includes against ourselves. 

Of course, we live every day with the pain and regret and shame some of our sins have caused, so it’s hard to move on from them sometimes. But God says the second greatest commandment after loving Him is to love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30-31).

Implicit in that command (which we often miss) is that you love yourself too.

A few months ago, I was struck with sudden remorse as I recalled some cruel things I said to my former wife when we were going through a hard time. I wished I could take them back, even now, a decade later. The pain lingered. But I also had to realize that I was selfish and made mistakes. I’ve changed since then.

You have to allow yourself to change and grow.

As Donald Miller says in his book Scary Close: “I thought it was unfair for a man to be judged by a moment, by a season. We are all more complicated than that.”

So when Jesus says to love others as ourselves, he’s also reminding us to love ourselves.

When Paul says love keeps no record of wrongs, he means we also stop keeping track of our own failures. 

Is it easy? 

No.

Is it what God calls us to do? 

Yes.

Maybe now is the time to forgive yourself for those cruel words you spoke. The time you chose yourself over another and hurt their feelings. The time you failed to love like you wanted to be loved.

Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Matthew 18: 21-22

In other words, Jesus was saying, there should be no limit to your forgiveness. Toward others and toward yourself. 

Show yourself the compassion you’re called to show others. Show yourself the absolution God shows you. 

Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? Because we know ourselves closely and are acutely aware of the consequences of our sins. And we must be responsible, own our sins, and deal with their consequences. The results of some may be devastating.

But if God can forgive us, we can do the same. 

Like Jesus with the adulterous woman in John 8, let’s allow Jesus to gaze into our lowered eyes as he asks: “Did no one condemn you?” 

“No one, Lord,” we say.

“I do not condemn you, either,” he smiles. “Go. From now on sin no more.”