A Lesson All Singles Can Benefit From

Relationships are like a mirror. 

They ultimately highlight our own wounds and sometimes our blind spots. As we get to know another person, we bring our whole selves. Over the course of time, we experience different parts of one another. Sometimes this feels delightful and other times it does not feel so great. We begin to see and take notice of things perhaps we didn’t always see or believe to be true about ourselves. It can feel equal parts embarrassing and enlightening. 

I have experienced this both in my family and in my dating relationships. While initially uncomfortable, it did help stretch me to learn and new receive things about myself. If people around us, especially those we are dating, are not helping us become the best version of ourselves, then what are we doing?

Quite recently in my own life, I have been learning some deep lessons about myself that at 36 years old, I wish I knew in my twenties.

I am learning how to come home to myself, to my own heart.

You might be thinking, “Geez Patty, that sounds cute, but what the heck does that mean?”

To come home to ourselves means we can listen to and meet the needs of our hearts, without looking for a man (or woman) to complete or fulfill our life. As a grown woman, when I feel my “wounded little girl” or “little Patty” arise in me, I can be gentle, tender, and loving with her. I get in touch with my heart and ask her what she needs from me at this moment. 

Is she feeling afraid or lonely? Does she feel hopeless or anxious? 

Very often, our wounded little child is connected to something from childhood. Perhaps a need our caregivers or parents knowingly or unknowingly did not meet for us. Reflecting on my own life, I can see a father wound from a dad who always wasn’t emotionally available or close to me, which has impacted me as a grown woman.

However, it recently has been an insightful breakthrough to begin to realize, “Wow Jesus, even though my dad didn’t always meet my needs the way I wanted in my life, I can meet those needs for 'little Patty' now as a grown woman from a place of wholeness and healing." I cannot begin to tell you how insightful and powerful that has been for me.

Each of us, men and women alike, has many different parts to ourselves.

We have a confident and capable self. We have a “wounded little child” self. All these different pieces are a part of us. Sometimes we live and act through our different parts. This can be due to trauma, childhood wounds, or hurt throughout life.

The reality is that as we grow, men and women do have to live as adults and not act out of our wounded child. With the grace of God and a commitment to doing our inner work, we can become more accepting and loving when our wounded little child comes out or rises up within us. We can make choices and relate to our wounded little child from our adult self; through a space of wholeness, acceptance, and healing.

So what could it look like to come home to your own heart?

• Giving yourself space for when your wounded or hurt little child rises up. Ask her from your heart, “What do you need right now? How can I take care of you at this moment?” Imagine yourself as an adult sitting on a couch next to the little girl version of yourself. Show her tender love and compassion.

• Praying through and talking about it with Jesus in your own personal prayer. Or if you have one, with your spiritual director. Do not dismiss the power of prayer and working through things that come in your prayer life or with your spiritual director. I have found it very helpful and enlightening to process things further with my own spiritual director.

• Reminding myself that when I bump into my past wounds or insecurities, that I as a whole, healed version of Patty can relate to the part of me in pain. We can approach ourselves with curiosity, tenderness, and compassion. The interior way we talk and relate to ourselves can either build us up or tear us down.

What might it look like for you to come home to yourself, to your own heart?

It could be a more transformative and healing journey for you than you anticipated. Be open and curious. You might be surprised by what you learn from yourself. I know I am.