Why an Annulment Is Not a "Catholic Divorce"

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I was sitting in the priests office and was a very hot mess and crying. I was looking for guidance and counsel to help me decide if I needed to end my three year marriage. He let me cry and blubber.

When I finished, he leaned forward and gently said, Patty, God hates divorce, but he doesnt hate divorced people. Yes, have hope, but dont be stupid either. Be wise and discerning, but dont be stupid.

I never ever would have imagined at 31 years old, I would be divorced and annulled in the Church.

It was about four or five months later before I ended up coming to the decision that I had no other choice than to leave.

Sometimes life doesnt go exactly how you mapped out or planned. Sometimes dreams are shattered and you have to re-build and make new dreams. I never ever would have imagined at 31 years old, I would be divorced and annulled in the Church.

Going through divorce and annulment as a young Catholic woman, I have learned there are a lot of misperceptions about this topic between Catholics and non-Catholics alike. But one question comes up more often than others: "Is an annulment just a Catholic divorce?"

The easy, quick answer? No, an annulment is not a Catholic divorce.

What is annulment and what does it really mean?

While annulments are specific only to Catholic Christians, they sometimes get a bad rap. A divorce is a civil judicial act legally ending a marriage. An annulment is an ecclesiastical decision where what was believed to be a valid sacramental, Catholic marriage is declared to have never been a marriage in the first place.

What it really boils down to is this: The day a couple got married, it looked like a marriage took place and it appeared both parties had proper intent and will to live these vows until death. However after a thorough investigation, there can be found reasons or circumstances that prove a marriage never actually happened at all, therefore making it null.

It was never a sacrament to begin with even though it had appeared to be.

But even within the Church, the process of annulment looks different depending on your circumstances.

Along with annulments not being a Catholic divorce, it is a process that takes a significant amount of time and work.

It is really important to remember every diocese and each case is very different. Our diocese in Michigan tells people a typical annulment case takes twelve to fourteen months. My own annulment from the time I submitted my paperwork to the day I received a judgment was a total of nine months. I was told my case would likely go a little faster because it was such a clear case, but again every case is unique and different.

The work involved I found was more emotionally tiring because you are going back and remembering sometimes painful events. I went through and answered the questions one time and wrote as much as I could before showing them to the priest helping me. He helped me make some edits and then I sent it to the tribunal.

It was very difficult at times, but I am so glad I did it. I would suggest working on your own annulment case in the presence of the Jesus in the Eucharist. I felt so comforted knowing my God was sitting with me in my pain and sadness.

This is what annulment is NOT.

An annulment does not mean that any children born from that union are illegitimate. It is not the Church saying you were never actually married. It is not the Church trying to shame or guilt you. It is not the Church trying to make you feel less than.

It is important to remember with annulments if you are civilly divorced, but have not yet received a decision on your annulment case, in the eyes of the Church you are still seen as married. Until the Church tells you that your marriage is null it is presumed to be valid and sacramental.

And to be married again in the Catholic Church, one does need to receive an annulment. From my own experience, I did not open myself up to dating until my annulment went through. Until the Church said I was never married, I knew personally it would not be wise or healthy for me to be going out and meeting men. I also found it helpful because I knew there was extra built in time for healing personally as I waited upon the Churchs decision.

Is the process worth it? YES!

Speaking from experience, I have found the annulment process to be very freeing and healing as I moved forward with my new life. I actually went through my annulment during The Year of Mercy. I know, can we say ironic?! I never would have dreamed that God had so much more to teach about forgiveness and mercy. But He really did!

While I waited on my annulment decision, I continued doing my own work with my counselor. I learned about things like boundaries and codependency. I learned what are the questions I need to ask a man before I decide to enter into serious dating relationship. I learned what it means to be whole and happy just by myself, regardless of my relationship status or whether or not I ever get married again.

An annulment is a sign of God's mercy and compassion.

I am grateful for the annulment process in the Church. I truly have come to believe it exists out of the great mercy of Jesus Christ. The annulment process is a way Jesus wishes to bind up the wounds and pain that men and women experience through the pain of a divorce. The annulment process is not just a set of hoops to jump through. It is a way to go deeper in your own personal healing.

The pain of divorce is something our God cares passionately aboutFor when His children are in pain, it matters deeply to the heart of our Father.

If you are divorced and have not yet started to work on your annulment, do not worry, but start somewhere. Contact your parish priest or deacon to ask initial questions on how to start the process in your diocese. Submit yourself fully to the process. It can be a time of transformation if you allow it.

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