This Forgotten Trait Can Make or Break Your Dating Life!

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In the dating world, there's no shortage of qualities to look for in a partner.

I recently wrote about dating standards—which got me thinking about one thing most of us don’t even realize we want. Many Catholics have great dating standards including faith, love of children, passionate hobbies, committed job, etc. But through all of these, there is one underlying trait we usually don’t think to name. What is this mystery trait?

It is: a strong work ethic. Why is work ethic the common theme in so many of our dating standards?

Easy. Work ethic is imperative to a healthy marriage.

How so? One must work not only on the marriage, but work for an income. Work to carry children. Work through problems that arise. Work to help others. The list goes on and on.

Being able to work hard for what you want will set you up for positivity, success, appreciation for each other, and readiness to take on challenges. Life takes work, and if you’re good at working, you’re going to be good at building the life you want. And that’s where we’ll find joy!

Take it the other way around. If someone doesn't have a good work ethic, odds are high they aren’t putting effort into building the life they want. Instead, they will be looking for someone else to make them happy. That’s the natural alternative when someone doesn’t want to bother changing themselves or their situation. I don’t know about you, but that’s not my idea of setting up a happy marriage.

So let’s get right to the good stuff and set aside the jabber. How do you, yes YOU, up your dating game through work ethic? Three basic steps:

Step 1: Reflect on your own work ethic.

Ask yourself these: do I complete things that I plan to do in a day, or do I push lots of things to tomorrow? Do I have in-progress goals, or have I not made plans to accomplish my life dreams? Am I reaching out to talk to dates, or waiting for someone to drop into my life? In essence, am I pursuing and building what I want, or not? Your answers will tell you where your own work ethic stands. 

During this first step, beware the justification monster! It’s easy to say “no, but that’s because I don’t like schedules” or “no, but only because I have a disability” or “no, because __(fill in the blank)__.” Every time you tell yourself “no, but” or “no, because,” your work ethic drops a few points. Be honest with yourself!

You might discover you’re doing far better than you thought, and are too hard on yourself (hello, self-criticism.) Or you might find you’ve become a little lazy in building your life.

Finally, don’t confuse “I’m not doing enough” with “I think I’m doing something wrong.” The underlying factor could be you don’t actually like your career choice, or you might be in the wrong relationship, etc. This is still helpful information, though!

Step 2: Evaluate work ethic in your dates.

It’s pretty simple. Just take all those same questions and apply them to other people—but only in your head! Nobody likes to be faced with a psych assessment they didn’t sign up for. (But it would be a pretty unique pick up line: “Nice to meet you! So on what scale would you rate your personal work ethic?”) At this point, this is for your own information and benefit. Don’t worry about analyzing this stuff on profiles, first dates, or even second or third dates. There’s no point in this unless you both want to move forward! 

If you’re already in a relationship, you can look at whether you both have the work ethic to go the distance. You could even go through these types of questions together! Often, couples are on the same page of work ethic without even knowing it. But ten percent of the time, one or both of you shows some red flags. Then move into step three...

Step 3: Decide how to deal with a poor work ethic sabotaging your relationship.

So one (or both) of you doesn’t have the work ethic to build the relationship you want. What are you to do? First, recognize that not everyone comes with a superhuman discipline of effort. Work ethic is generally learned, and people can’t help how they were raised. What they can help is how they move forward in life.

So, before throwing in the towel, have an honest and kind conversation with each other. Do you both want to improve this? Is there a mismatch where one of you is complacent and the other unhappy? How would you want your relationship to look? Remember, you can’t make someone change. If there is a mismatch where one of you is content and the other unhappy, this is a red flag. You are not responsible for each other’s work ethic, and if you find you are on very different pages, this might not be the right relationship for you.

Let’s assume you’re both looking to hone your work ethic and set yourselves up for success.

There are lots of tricks in the book! Try any of the following:

  • Connect with married couples you admire, and see what they would suggest you try. If they’ve been married for more than a few years, they have the experience to back up their words! 
  • Pick one or two short-term goals together, like taking dance classes together. Then, find a way to do it! Practicing fun, small commitments and following through will build your skill set for the big stuff in the future.
  • Use your calendars and to-do lists! Writing things down in visible places will be good reminders to you and help you with time management. Use whatever you like: sticky notes on the fridge, Google calendars, planners . . .
  • Plan ahead for future challenges. One of you is moving for a job transfer? Make a plan together for how and when you will communicate. Your classes are suffering because of date night? Commit to study hours together to support each other’s long-term goals. Want to get married? Make a realistic budget so you don’t go overboard on the wedding. Whatever is going on or could go on in your life, think about how you want to deal with it!

Overall, we could all use a little jump start to our work ethics. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not impressively self-disciplined, and don’t play the heroic martyr if you’re naturally good at it. Think positive, be realistic, and you’ll find yourself in a good dating mindset when it comes to work ethic!

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