Stop Treating Love Like a Finish Line

What is something you work really hard at in life?

One of the top five greatest moments of my life was the first marathon I ran. I never really saw myself as an athlete—much less a marathoner. Yet after running a few 5K’s and my first half marathon, I knew I was bit by the running bug and my curiosity won in wanting to run a marathon.

After so much training, focus, and hard work—I made this task happen. I intentionally trained for a year with the dream of arriving at and crossing over that finish line. This was possible because of my dedication. It is hard to explain the excitement and pride I had in myself that day—and in the two more marathons I ran.

I can do hard things—in life, physically in my body. Now I know that saying never or “I could never do that…” are no longer options for me.

I never let go of that finish line because it was a reminder of what my body was capable of—that my body can physically do hard things.

And yet, in recent months, I have made the uncomfortable (yet necessary) realization that for too long in my life I have treated love like a finish line. Our love lives or desire for marriage are a finish line, a final destination. Yet it is not about arriving at the finish line, it is about the life-long journey.

Let me explain. 

I have realized at 37 years that for most of my adult life—at least since my divorce and annulment almost seven years ago—I have treated love as something I need to work hard at to have. I had to do all the work—grasping, striving, and yes, lots of swiping.

I have begun to realize that this “force it” mentality of just working harder actually keeps me trapped in a cyclical process where I am not truly free to be myself, to let myself receive from a man, and to allow dating to be a fun experience.

What would it look like to not work so hard for love or have this “force it” mentality?

What if instead I began to trust my heart, my inner knowing, and God in new ways—that actually free me from this prison of working so hard for love?

These questions are stretching me in ways I was not prepared for.

Perhaps you have felt this in your own life? 

Are there spaces in your heart or life situations where you think to yourself, “If I just do more, be more, force myself, or try harder, then I can have all that I want or desire?”

Now okay, that might work in some scenarios like your career—nobody gets promoted without hard work and continual improvement. However, love and relationships are something completely different.

Finding the man or woman you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t come by you treating it like the ultimate finish line to arrive at. Love takes openness, patience, curiosity, sacrifice, self-knowledge, and wisdom.

We live in a loud world that says we have to constantly be more, do more, and outshine everyone else around us. This is both an exhausting and chaotic way to live.

Yes, finding a partner to spend your life with requires our effort—we have to go on dates and be open to meeting lots of different kinds of people. However, we should not lose ourselves in that process—thinking that all our efforts depend on us, and if we haven’t found our person yet, that it is because of not trying harder or that we are not enough as we are.

Because that is always a lie from the darkest pit in Hell.

So, stop treating it like a finish line!

Instead, what if the answer is we stopped trying so hard in thinking it all depends on our efforts? 

What if we focused more on trusting our own heart and trusting that God is big enough to take care of the whole story while living a beautiful, rich life?

It is a subtle and yet huge shift all in one.

None of us know the future when it comes to our desires for love, partnership, and marriage. Anything can change in an instance. A dear girlfriend often reminds me, “it only takes one, Patty!”

What if we stopped striving and trying so hard? I think you and I would experience more peace and wholeness where God and life finds us right now—and yes, I think dating would feel less pressured and more fun.

Slowly, I am learning to stop treating love like a finish line.

Will you join me on that journey, friend?