Don't Sign up for CatholicMatch... Yet

Let's hope you can avoid the mistakes I made while I was in the same shoes.

After my wife and I ended our marriage, I was living on my own again in a rented house. I signed up for CatholicMatch so I could meet someone. I was lonely. But not just that. I was also in pain. Angry. Unprepared. I was barely out of a six-year marriage. I wasn’t ready yet to start a new relationship.

I met a few women and chatted with them. I went on a few dates. It felt good to have dinner and share a cocktail with someone. It was fun to have a movie partner. It was comforting to just have someone to talk with.

But no matter how well-intentioned you are, if you are still broken and you start a new relationship, it’s likely you will break that new person too. It’s been said that wounded people wound people. It’s true. 

None of the dates I pursued from CatholicMatch in those early days of my divorce worked out.

No surprise. And thank God. 

I believe God was looking out for me and for those women. Some bullets were dodged.

I know several people who have divorced and then moved quickly into a new relationship. They remarried less than a year later. Too often, their new marriages fell apart too. Before we can ever hope to know and love someone else, we have to know and love ourselves. We have to be in a healthy place.

After the breakup of any significant relationship, we have much work to do. I needed to explore what had gone wrong in my marriage. I needed to forgive myself and my ex. I had a lot of healing to do. Getting on CatholicMatch and meeting new women was stunting that process. It wasn’t healthy for me, and it wasn’t fair to any woman who might have been genuinely interested in me.

It is also important to note that if you're separated, you can not create a profile on CatholicMatch until you receive your final divorce decree.

So, what if you’re sad and lonely after a breakup? It’s perfectly normal to want to be with someone. 

We are wired to connect with others. But it takes time to be ready. 

So here’s my advice. If you are fresh off a broken relationship… don’t sign up for CatholicMatch. Yet.

A site like this is intended to connect you with someone to share your life with. You can meet friends on CatholicMatch, and I have. But if we’re honest, the ultimate purpose of a site like CatholicMatch is to help us find a spouse, someone we will marry and commit the rest of our lives to. 

Let time and patience do their good work in you, or as James 1:4 says: “And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” 

None of us, of course, will ever be 100 percent perfect and complete this side of Heaven. We are human so we will always have faults and hangups. But we can get to a place where we are healthy enough to start a new relationship and to love again.

Take the time you need to recover and heal. Work on yourself.

Continue to pray, go to Mass, receive the Sacraments, and have fellowship with other Christians. Read helpful books and articles online. Seek the advice and support of healthy friends and family. Get professional counseling if you can afford it. 

Don’t get involved with anyone if you’re still divorced. While CatholicMatch does welcome users who have their final divorce decree we do so with the understanding that they are pursuing their annulment.* If you are divorced, start the annulment process. According to the Church’s teaching, we are not free to marry anyway if our previous marriage has not been annulled. I made all those mistakes. I pray you won’t.

No one can say how long the process will take. Everyone is different. You may be ready after a year of introspection, self-work, and healing. It may take three years. Healing has no fixed timeline. That’s okay. You will be doing yourself and your future mate a service. When you are ready, CatholicMatch will be waiting for you. 

*CatholicMatch's policies allow divorced persons to search for companionship as they go through the annulment process. We know it can take a long time! Persons who are only separated and not yet divorced legally may not use our services until the divorce paperwork has been ratified. See: What marital status should I list in my profile? for more information.