So You Think You Can Date

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In a world of reality shows with artists, athletes, and ordinary people competing to win, So You Think You Can Dance is one of the more popular shows people love to watch. Gifted competitors come from all over to audition for the chance to be on that stage and show the world their amazing dance moves and how deserving they are of winning the competition.

It makes sense that each contestant would make sure he was in peak physical health, his routines were polished and flawless, and his mindset was positive and focused. I can't help but see a bit of a correlation between this and dating, particularly if you have gone through a divorce. How so?

Well, after having personally worked with hundreds of men and women who have gone through a divorce, I can tell you the biggest mistake they make is dating before they are ready. At least half of those who get divorced will jump back into the dating scene within the first year, and most of those people will begin dating within the first six months.

Why do they do that?

It's easy to estimate that people just want to get away from a spouse they don't like anymore and go out and find someone new. While I admit there are some people like that, most practicing Catholics who find themselves divorced do not fall into that category. So what drives someone to start dating so soon after divorce?

Pain.

Pain and the desire to make it go away is, in my opinion, the primary motivating factor that drives divorced men and women to date before they are ready. After experiencing the devastation of being rejected by the one person who was supposed to love you forever, the pain and loneliness is acute and there is no pain reliever in the world that can make that go away. Finding someone who thinks you're attractive and desirable helps to soothe the pain and loneliness. That, in my opinion, is what drives most people to date so soon after divorce.

If you are one of those people, I'd like you to consider the connection I'm making between the dancer who wants to win the competition, and the lover who wants to win in a new relationship. Doesn't it makes sense you would want to have everything stacked in your favor so your next relationship will be successful and not end in divorce? Right! So, if you think you can date, just consider the following points that will help you enjoy the dating process and be successful in your next relationship.

1.     Don't Start Dating To Make the Pain Go Away

Many people are simply not healed enough to date and begin new relationships, and there are no shortcuts to healing. In my own experience, I was not healed at all from my divorce when I got back into dating, and I was using it as a sort of pain reliever or band aid; it was a way to make me feel better about myself. This is not a healthy way to begin a relationship.

Another danger here is that a wounded heart attaches easily. Trying to form an attachment before your heart is strong and ready for commitment only compounds the wounded-ness. That is why so many people go from relationship to relationship without ever finding that peace and fulfillment they seek.

2.     Make Sure You Are Truly Free To Date

This applies in two ways: First, it's really hard to be free to give your heart away if it's full of anger and resentment toward your ex-spouse. When you hold on to those emotions, your heart becomes like a little prison where the ones who have hurt you are kept captive—and they keep your heart captive. There's no freedom to love someone new.

And second, as a Catholic, you need to have a decree of invalidity (annulment) before you begin dating after divorce. Why is that little piece of paper so important? Because all marriages are considered to be valid/sacramental unless proven otherwise by the annulment process and the only way to be sure you are free to date is by going through the process and receiving a decree of invalidity.

This second point happens to be a major bone of contention with many singles on CatholicMatch; that there are too many divorced people looking for dates when they don't have that decree of invalidity and aren't really available.

But my goal here is not to discourage you, I want to help you succeed. So why not stack all the odds in your favor? If you are divorced, yet still feel called to marriage, why not give yourself the time you need to heal, and also go through the annulment process so you can know for sure if you're free to date? These are the best steps you can take to set yourself up for success.

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