Forgiveness Even When It Seems Impossible
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“Forgiveness is like monkey bars; you have to let go in order to move forward.” ~ C. S. Lewis
We are halfway through the Jubilee Year of Mercy. For many people who have gone through a divorce, extending mercy and forgiveness to their ex-spouses—the ones who need their mercy and forgiveness the most—remains an impossible task. It doesn't matter whether they were left, or the ones who left, letting go of the bitterness that surrounds divorce can seem an insurmountable chore. Where is the justice for the offense?
If you're struggling with the notion that you must forgive your ex-spouse, I know how you feel. My ex-spouse, we'll call him Joe, walked out on our marriage one Sunday back in 1993. He was no longer able to keep up the facade of living a double life and decided it was just time to move on. Shortly after this happened, his best friend decided it was time to clue me in on what had been going on for so long. After a few weeks of painful conversations with Joe and a rejected attempt at reconciliation, I received notice of the impending divorce proceedings. At best, you could say I was bitter. How could I ever forgive this betrayal?
How to take a step towards forgiveness
It took some time for me to come to terms with the idea of forgiveness, but one of the motivating factors was the fact that I was always unhappy. I was a victim. One day my eyes were opened to the understanding that I was my own worst enemy in this. My ex-spouse had moved on with his life, but I was like a child sulking in the corner. I was resentful, begrudging, and petulant. It wasn't until I personally decided my life was too short to be stuck in that victim mentality that I was able to take a step toward forgiveness.
You may be thinking, Ain't no way. Not gonna do it.
Fair enough. These sentiments normally evolve out of a need for justice. You don't want your ex-spouse–or anyone else who was involved in the demise of your marriage for that matter–to get away with it. You want them to make amends for all the pain they've caused. This is normal, but it's not anything you can control. You can't control what your ex-spouse does, thinks, or says. You can only control yourself. And since that's the case, wouldn't you like to heal and be happy instead of living a life of pain and self-pity?
Think about it this way: when you don’t forgive people for their offenses against you, your heart becomes like a tiny prison where all the people who have hurt you are detained in tiny cells. You are the guard. You take them out from time to time and punish them. You angrily tell them all the things you wish you had said at the moment they hurt you. Then you lock them up again until the next time you want to punish them.
If you want to find love again, do this ...
So if you want to find love again, you must ask yourself how in the world is it possible to have room in your heart for love if it is full of rage? Where is the room to love someone new if your heart is filled with animosity toward others?
To be successful in achieving forgiveness for those who have hurt you, you've got to remember two key points:
1. You cannot do this alone, you need God's grace
With God, anything is possible, even if the forgiveness you seek seems completely impossible (Matthew 19:26). If today you cannot forgive, that's fine. You can begin the process simply by asking God for the grace to forgive. "Lord, help me to be willing to think about the possibility of forgiving my ex-spouse" is a beautiful prayer. It's a great starting point and if you say this prayer daily, you will be amazed at the way God will make forgiveness something real in your life.
2. You need to Practice Forgiveness Every Day
Let's say you have come to a place where you are ready to forgive. Maybe you've taken a specific step, such as telling him or her you forgive them, or even just acknowledging to yourself that you will no longer hold on to the resentment. Great! But when he or she does something new to offend you, or when you're replaying the painful incidents over and over in your mind, you've got to forgive in that moment, too. It's a process, and as you practice this every day, it will get easier over time.
The more diligently you apply yourself in this matter, the greater effect it will have on every aspect of your life. The culmination of hard work pays off in big ways and one day you will look back and not only be a happier person, you will be amazed at how far you've come.
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