Even If It's Awkward, Try Anyways

What are singles telling themselves in order to avoid the dating scene?

There was a lot of stir about a documentary entitled The Dating Project that was released a couple of years ago. After its showing, I was reminded of a conversation that I had with a spirited adult woman in her late 20's a while back. If she had seen the movie, I am sure she would say it was awesome; that she loved its message. She would agree that hooking up was shallow and unfulfilling.

She would also tell me that the practical advice offered by Dr. Cronin was too hard to tackle.

Let me introduce you to a woman who describes herself as "socially awkward"...

Here's the back story on this woman. She's a clean cut gal who wears comfortable shoes. She gets her hair cut at an inexpensive salon and has never thought it necessary to have a pedi or manicure. She works hard at her blue collar job and goes home each night to her cat and houseplants. She likes Wheel of Fortune and considers an enjoyable evening one that includes a sci-fi movie with a bowl of buttered popcorn.

This woman explained to me that she had put herself "out there" during college and a few years that followed her graduation. The phrase she used to describe that period in her life was socially awkward.

She and a couple of friends would make themselves beautiful and go out to a local bar or coffee shop hoping to meet someone. They would enter the establishment, find an open table, and sit down. And then, they would wait for good looking guys to approach them. They would do their best to look charming and appear inviting. With the stage set, they would sit patiently waiting.

On a few occasions, her efforts paid off when a seemingly sincere guy would strike up a conversation.

He would talk with her for a while before suggesting that she come back to his apartment. Sensing trepidation about the ulterior motive, she always declined. The result was consistently the same: he would get up and walk away.

Time and time again, she would go home more convinced that she was destined to be single for life. Eventually, she declared herself a certified loser at the dating game and bought herself a cat.

Today, this young women acts like she is perfectly content to be single—that is until you ask her to think about her vocation in life. Does she feel called to marriage? Does she think a religious life is for her?

These conversations make her terribly uncomfortable because they point out to her that she isn't comfortable in social situations. She doesn't know how to interact with people to whom she is attracted. It is easier to fake contentment than it is to go out and fail at encounters. Therefore, she avoids them at all costs.

When she is challenged, something continues to stir deep within her. Despite her daily efforts to suppress her true feelings, the call to be a gift of self to another continues to rise upward. She longs to try again, but needs help and support. Her head tells her it is too hard or too awkward to put in effort. But her heart is pleading with her to try again.

How do you counsel these single people who might be a little awkward or shy and yearn for deeper connections?

How many of us know men and women like the one I have described? They are part of our parishes, our communities and our neighborhoods. They are God-loving people who lack a few basic social skills and the courage to develop them. What they need from us is encouragement, support, and opportunity for interaction.

Let's take a look at what marriage ministers can do at the parish or deanery level to provide all three.

Encouragement begins with befriending the single persons in our midst.

We should go out of our way to strike up conversations with them. This is more than just the hospitable greeting before Mass or the "have a great week" exclamation when they leave. Rather, we need to stop and chat with them and take interest in their life. In doing so, we witness to them how social interaction happens.

Support continues with involvement.

Once you have forged a relationship with a single person, think of ways that they can share in the life and mission of the parish—especially in ministries where younger couples or adults are present. Persistently invite them to be with others through some aspect of parish life. Be relentless in your pursuit of their participation in some program or activity.

Opportunity for interaction includes introducing them to other singles via a church sponsored event.

(Note: This is NOT for the purpose of matchmaking! It is solely for the purpose of giving them the chance to put themselves back out there socially. Our role is to provide safe and friendly events for them to recommit to community.) This might include a social justice project or faith formation or praise and worship or just time to be together.

Many marriage ministers may think that these suggestions are beyond the scope of their job description.

It is common to believe that your work begins when an engaged couple comes in asking for preparation.

That's why it may seem hard and awkward for you to be there for those who find it hard and awkward to be socially involved. I get that. But, someone has to take the risk in real life to show interest in another person and create a plan to meet someone new for the sake of love. Praying that you will take the lead on this one.