Stop Using Your Introversion as an Excuse
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Back in college, a good friend and I would meet up between classes, sequestered away in a library.
We needed a break from people, and enjoyed deep conversation or just hanging out in silence. Fast forward to graduation, I decided to stay connected with my college friends despite being geographically scattered. After a few months of awkwardly navigating adult schedules, I got the hang of setting up gatherings.
But that one friend didn’t reciprocate. He rarely attended parties and seemed to connect exclusively through email. I wondered what happened to our friendship. He explained it to me one day. He was just an introvert.
Interestingly enough, I am too. Then how was I still keeping friends?
“I think I can make it Saturday, but I’ll have to let you know later.”
“Can’t we just stay home and watch Netflix again?”
“I’ll meet your friends some other time, I’m tired of people right now.”
You’ve heard these, or even said one yourself. Taken out of context, these phrases sound kind of rude, don’t they? But hold your horses, I haven’t paired them with the socially approved get-out-of-jail-free card:
“I’m an introvert.”
Pair any excuse with this infamous phrase, and ah, you’re forgiven. With his personality explained, anyone who contradicts the introvert is written off as rude for insulting his inborn personality. We can’t possibly expect a person to get out of his own comfort zone, now can we?
Introversion these days is cool.
It’s finally accepted to stay at home on weekends and to prize alone time. As an introvert, I LOVE recharging in peace. But as my friend exemplified, society might be missing some serious dangers in prizing introversion so highly. Are we using it as an excuse to not improve ourselves?
Here’s my argument: Personality traits don’t excuse rude behaviors. Especially in dating!
A common mistake today is using introversion as a crutch, but a personality trait shouldn’t dictate behavior. Lots of people show us how to avoid this! For example, an ex-boyfriend of mine was THE MOST introverted person I know—which is really saying something.
Did that stop him from trying new things, connecting with new people, and going on lovely dates? Absolutely not! He built the life he wanted through learning new behaviors, even if they didn’t come naturally to him.
Introverts everywhere should take note.
Staying home every single weekend will only intensify chronic shyness. Never committing to friends or dates is disrespectful. Allowing a trait to dictate your actions = putting your own feelings above everything. That’s just selfish.
We can apply this to extroverts too, by the way. (Aha, you didn’t see that one coming!) Someone who avoids one-on-one meetings in favor of large groups, just because they’re a “people person,” won’t date very well. Someone who can’t handle being quiet for ten minutes is going to struggle with prayer. Et cetera, et cetera. The only difference between this and chronic introversion is the latter is applauded at the moment.
You get it. The point is, as Christians, we are called to improve ourselves and choose things that are good for us, even if they’re uncomfortable sometimes. And rejecting this discomfort of personal growth, under whatever handy label, invites stagnation. Not exactly what we’re going for, is it?
What’s an introvert to do, go back to the dark ages of constant social stimulation and forget their own needs?
Of course not. People shouldn’t pretend to have a temperament they don’t. The trick is respecting your own needs as well as respecting those around you. It’s a balance. And it’s not as hard as you think. Instead, start thinking like this:
1.) Know introversion (or extroversion!) doesn’t define you.
Am I a fan of the four temperament theory or the Myers-Briggs personalities? Absolutely! They help us understand ourselves and others. (I highly recommend doing the one on your CatholicMatch profile!) The danger appears when people box themselves into their result and refuse to get outside their comfort zones.
Over time, they wonder why they’re having trouble dating, making or keeping friends, or succeeding in personal goals. Answer: they’re letting a label define what they do.
2.) Stop expecting people to swallow your poor behavior.
Your temperament doesn’t define you, right? Don’t make others define you that way, either. Catch any rude behavior or comments you might be pairing with “but I’m an introvert!” and stop doing it.
It can be really helpful to buddy up with someone on this and call each other out on poor behavior. With a good friend who shares your temperament, hold each other accountable on some practical strategies. Speaking of which...
3.) Get practical!
If you hate small talk, prepare some questions and topics before meeting new people. Go on a date with someone whose personality is very different than yours. RSVP to invitations instead of throwing them out. Practice showing up to something on a regular basis, like a book club or a Bible study.
The best way to get comfortable outside your norm is to practice and prepare for things you don't like. This is especially important in dating: you spend lots of time with someone who may or may not share your personality!
4.) Balance your own needs with pushing yourself.
An introvert doesn’t have to be a perfect hostess every weekend. An extrovert doesn’t have to spend three hours in silent meditation nightly. Simply address your own needs without letting them control you. Introverts might strive to go out once a weekend. Extroverts might put aside one day a week to spend alone at home.
The trick is to take a couple baby steps and maintain that balance for a while. Eventually you’ll reach a sweet spot that works for everyone. This skill will be great to bring into a marriage!
That college friend of mine slowly improved, by the way. Jobs, dating, and navigating the adult world slowly forced him out of his introverted shell. He will never be a very social person, but that’s not the point. He’s learning how to better himself and grow. (Also, he used his newfound social skills to win a pretty awesome girlfriend. Who knows, it could work that way for you too.)
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