5 Friends Everyone Should Make Before They Get Married

What are your friends like?

St. Francis de Sales said, “Love everyone with a deep love based on charity,…but form friendships only with those who can share virtuous things with you. The higher the virtues you share and exchange with others, the more perfect your friendship will be.”

Forming friendships—strong, healthy, and diverse friendships—is one of the most vital things we can do for our spiritual development. This can sometimes be challenging when you are dating. It is all too easy to isolate ourselves when we find someone with whom we truly connect and to create a world all our own.

On the other hand, it is also easy to create an echo chamber of people who are in the same state of life we are in. Yet, there is so much value in diversifying our social circles. We have much to learn and much to share with people in different stages of life with different perspectives and insights.

Forming virtuous friendship, such as St. Francis talks about, must be done with intention.

In order not to create that echo chamber, I would suggest you invest in five friendships:

1) The old married couple.

Yes, I mean old(er) and I mean married. Having the perspective of people who have been around the block a few times, who have learned perseverance, who have the perspective of what a lifetime of commitment means are invaluable in your life. 

And believe it or not, you will likely have more in common than you think! There is a misconception that people of different generations won’t be able to find commonality. But some things are timeless. Laughter and joy transcend other generational differences. Their encouragement, virtues, and prayers are precious.

Also, consider how having young(er) people in their lives may encourage and uplift them. Your energy, creativity, and curiosity may be exactly what they crave. It could be a great act of charity to befriend an elderly couple.

2) The widowed person.

The Lord loves the widow and the orphan. The Bible is full of this truth. In fact, the book of James tells us that pure and undefiled religion is to look after orphans and widows in their distress. 

I remember calling my sister many years ago when she was still a young adult and in a dating relationship. She said she was meeting some friends at the park. When I got there I expected other young adults in the same phase of life. Yet there she was sitting on a blanket with several widowed ladies. She was regularly having lunch dates with these beautiful women who were definitely not in her phase of life. And they were having a glorious time. They filled a social and spiritual need for one another—for connection and edification. It was a two-way street, that benefitted all.

3) The middle-aged married couple, perhaps with some kids who are in middle or high school.

These are the best folks to befriend. Their kids are finally old enough to not need a babysitter and they are getting their second wind. My friends in this phase of life are usually the ones most game for going out, trying something new, and they usually know all the great spots. Double dating with people who are in this phase of life offers a unique perspective of those still in the trenches. And your friendship can be a great generational bridge between them and their children on the cusp of young adulthood. 

Listen to these people. They know what works and what doesn’t. They can probably help you negotiate disagreements better than some counselors. They have practical tips for making married life and communication work. And now that maybe they are not in the middle of diapers and breastfeeding, they have the energy to tell you!

4) The newly married couple with a baby or two.

Have you seen this scenario play out: a couple gets married, starts having babies, and all their single and dating friends are left behind? Don’t let that happen. Hang on to your newly married friends. Invite them to things. Show up with wine and ice cream. Tell them you love them, because they need you. Once that initial honeymoon phase passes and there begins to be some real married-life challenges, they need friends. They need your energy, your excitement about love, and likely your free babysitting. 

As a bonus, if your relationship is headed toward marriage, these newly married people have all the good insights for the photographer they loved, the caterer they hated, and what traditions you should keep and which you should skip. Don’t recreate the wheel if you don’t have to! Learn from your friends who are fresh from the experience.

5) The priest.

Do you have a good priest friend? I don’t mean just your parish priest who shakes your hand on your way out the door once a week. But do you have a priest friend who is in your inner circle? This in fact might not be your parish priest, because true friendship extends beyond diocesan reassignments and any parish politics.

The practical benefits to having a priest friend are many. He can bless your house/wine/engagement. If you go camping he can say Mass on a mountaintop. He can help you with marriage prep. He can answer sticky theological or doctrinal questions you may have. If you are playing Trivial Pursuit, he will likely be the most educated person at the table, so pick him for your team.

But also, remember, that priests are people too! He needs prayer, love, and friendship, as we all do. His basic human need for social connections did not cease to exist when he put on the collar. Reach out to him—not for what you can receive, but for what you might give. Invite him to lunch or over for dinner. Include him in your family life. 

Priestly life and married life are two sides of the same vocational coin. They are both about making a complete gift of yourself, for life. They both require the virtues of perseverance, faith, courage, charity, chastity, etc. Walking alongside a married couple who is committed to keeping their vows and walking alongside a priest who is committed to keeping his is essentially the same thing.

Including a priest in your friend group, especially as you discern marriage, can be a very edifying and beautiful thing. You may be surprised at how much your priest can relate to the idiosyncrasies of your relationship.

The point is, of course, that your friend group should be diverse.

It should be open to what God might speak to you through others and what others might have to impart to your life. You don’t have to collect them all like Pokémon, but being open to a variety of people will serve you all your life.

Last year on my birthday I had a dinner party. Having had a rough year, I wanted only my closest friends present to celebrate being alive. They came, we ate, we played cards, we laughed, we played music, and took a ton of Polaroids. In attendance were a dating couple, two couples with grandchildren, one couple with kids still in high school, a couple with small children (who still needed a sitter, thankfully, my children to the rescue), a single person, my oldest child (who is an adult) and a priest. It was a diverse group of people I love more than anything, who love and accept me—a divorced and single-parenting woman—back. 

Friendship is not about being in the same state in life, because that state inevitably changes as people marry, begin families, those children grow, nests are empty, grandchildren arrive, etc. Friendship, to return to our starting place, is about those who will share virtue with you as we are all on our journey to heaven.