What Do Women Really Want—A Husband Or A Career?

“If a magical genie appeared and told you that you could have a guarantee of either a fabulous marriage or a fabulous career, which would you choose?”

This is the question that a radio talk show host I listen to regularly asks every young woman he meets.

He says it isn’t meant to imply that the woman would be choosing to only have either a great career or a great marriage.  Just that only one would be guaranteed. So basically it isn’t a matter of only choosing one or the other, but of determining which is a higher priority.

I think it’s a really good question.

Why does he only ask women this question?

Well, I suppose it’s because for women, career and marriage/motherhood are more difficult to combine than they are for men.  You can say that is because of sexism or the patriarchy or whatever.  But I think the answer boils down to simple biology.  When it’s your body that carries and delivers and feeds and nurtures the babies, having children requires a lot more investment from the woman than it does from the man.

And as enthusiastically as we were assured back in the day that women could “have it all,” most have found out the hard way that having both a rewarding, upwardly mobile full-time career and a thriving family life is easier said than done.

So even if we wind up having both family and career, the question of which one we prioritize becomes a very interesting one.

What do women really want? A husband or a career? It depends.

He says that women from religious households are more likely to answer “marriage.” He also says that college-educated women, especially those not from religious households are overwhelmingly more likely to answer “career.”

It makes sense.  I know that, from my earliest recollections, we young girls were told that we could “do anything,” and that somehow aspiring primarily to marriage and motherhood would be somehow “settling.”  We were supposed to go out and accomplish big things.  Or at least go out and do something aside from child-raising.

I still have a distinct memory of a conversation I had while working a college job in the office of an oil company.  People in the office were talking about someone who had made the decision to stay home with her children, and one of the women gave a one-word reply:  “Boring!”

That woman’s job? Data processing.  She sat in a cubicle all day, every day, inputting data into a computer.

Even fulfilling careers pale in comparison to marriage and family.

This is the extent to which we were conditioned that any career should be prioritized over motherhood.

Just the other day, I had a conversation with a young woman in her mid-20’s.  She is in a relationship with a man who, by her own description, is wonderful and caring and great father material.  I asked “Is he a keeper?”

She replied “Definitely.”

When I asked why she isn’t marrying him, she replied that she feels she has to “get her career established” first.

When life gives you a career instead of a spouse, do not despair!

I have been unmarried for a very, very long time.  (Not because I valued career over marriage. I always wanted marriage—just, apparently, not with any of the men who offered it. Which is a topic for another time—and, I’m sure, a lot of armchair psychologizing in the mean time.)  During those years, I have had not one but two fabulous careers. I gave talks about God’s plan for love and marriage—all over the world, to audiences as large as tens of thousands of people. I wrote books.  I appeared on TV.  I became relatively famous among certain segments of the population.

I strongly believe that the work I did in my speaking career was a direct call from God.  So I obviously can’t wish it away.

But were it not for that belief in a Divine appointment, I can honestly say that I would trade every last minute of every rewarding career experience I have had, to instead have a wonderful marriage and children.

Ultimately, our greatest fulfillment comes through giving ourselves in love.

So this is what I told that young girl: a fabulous career doesn’t keep you warm at night. It doesn’t bring the kind of love and laughter and security and “place” in the world that comes from family.  And truly good men who love us and want to join us in creating those families don’t grow on trees.  You can’t just let this one pass by because your career isn’t established yet, and then think another one will magically appear when the time is right.

If you are an adult and able to make adult decisions, and the right one comes along, the time is right.

Please note: I am not in any way saying that women shouldn’t pursue careers.  I believe that our gifts are needed and valuable in every area of life, and we have a lot to offer the world.  Nor am I saying that the unmarried life cannot be happy or fulfilling.

But I believe that all of us, men and women, are created to find our greatest fulfillment through giving ourselves in love.  And that, for those who aren’t called to give themselves in religious consecration, that fulfillment is much more likely found in a truly good, healthy marriage family than in a career lived at the exclusion of family life.

So when the right opportunity, or a magical genie, should happen to come along, you may want to keep all of this in mind.