Considering A Vocation? Not Me.

Sometimes I come across a woman’s CatholicMatch profile, and under the “Considering Religious Vocation” question, she answers “Yes.” At first, it makes me wonder why she’s on CatholicMatch at all. Keeping her options open? That's cool. I understand that.

Years ago, after reading Thomas Merton (the former bohemian playboy who became a monk as a young man), I got this crazy notion that maybe I could be a monastic too. In his writings, Merton made it sound so romantic. I was also reading a lot about Saint Francis at the time, and his life inspired me.

I mean, there is something appealing, even seductive, about the idea of giving it all up and dedicating yourself entirely to God.

I had to try it.

So I found a Trappist monastery about an hour from where I lived in Utah, and scheduled a personal weekend retreat. After work on a Friday night, I drove to the monastery and checked in. I settled into my sparse room and sat down to meditate. I woke up a few hours later, chilly from the winter draft seeping through the window.

Restless, I decided to check out Matins, where the monks sang their nightly Psalms. I sat there a bit bewildered in the dark sanctuary, listening to the chorus of monotone plainsong. It was kind of cool, but I couldn’t really make out what they were saying.

The next morning, I woke up and went for a run on the pristine snow-filled roads surrounding the abbey. Then, I ate breakfast in the dining room with a small group of other retreatants arguing about politics over their bacon and coffee. Afterward, I lolled around the library and browsed through some spiritual books. By noon, I was ready to get out of there, grab a cheeseburger, and listen to some music on the radio.

My experience didn’t live up to Merton’s lyrical descriptions of the monastic life. Of course, the comparison is unfair and a little ridiculous because I was only there for two days. It wouldn’t be wise to swear off the prospect of married life just because you had one bad date. And my weekend at the monastery wasn’t bad. I enjoyed the quiet, reverent atmosphere, and the opportunity to pray and read and focus on God.

But I also realized the monastic life simply isn’t for me.

Obviously, if I had been genuinely discerning a call to religious life, I would’ve taken it more seriously, instead of hoping for a Merton-like spiritual euphoria behind the monastery walls. That’s not what religious life is. In the same way, married life isn’t a constant romantic euphoria. It’s a life, with all the commitment, responsibility, sacrifice, joy, blessing, and reward that implies.

That’s why discerning a call to married life should be a careful process taken seriously. And that’s why religious orders require a years-long process to discern if you’re genuinely called to that vocation. They can’t just let in anybody who read The Seven Storey Mountain (Merton’s autobiography) and thought it sounded cool to be a monk.

A few years after my weekend retreat, I met a man who had known Merton and edited a book of his writings. He asked what I did for a living. I told him about my screenwriting, and how I’d just returned from Europe researching for a documentary. He said he envied me. It reaffirmed I’m probably right where I’m supposed to be, and that’s not inside a monastery.

God has made me for something different, and I can better serve Him and others by living “in the world.” For now, that means living a chaste single life, with the possibility of marriage in the future.

I have the greatest respect for monks and nuns who dedicate their lives to prayer and service. I just can’t be one of them. I’m glad God taught me that when He did. So, I won’t be answering “Yes” to “Considering Religious Vocation” on CatholicMatch. I’ll be living out the vocation I believe God has called me to.

What about you? What might God be revealing to you about your vocation?