When Too Many Choices Hides Mr. or Mrs. Right

It was William Shakespeare who coined the phrase, “Sound and fury signifying nothing.”

Suffice it say, the Bard wasn’t talking about online dating overload, but it seems like the words should apply. All the profile browsing and reading, all the photo swiping and yet it seems like it’s going nowhere. If you’re putting the time into online dating and feel this way, then you’re suffering from overload.

Research shows that online dating overload is a real thing. All the way back in 2008—what seems like several lifetimes ago in online dating—an Indiana University study showed that the more profiles one looked at, the worse memory recall became. Details about profiles were forgotten—perhaps ones that might have made a difference in dating decisions.

And it’s not about just making you feel burnt out and overlook important information. Online dating overload can actually make you more likely to push away potential partners—ones that might be good for you and that you would have at one time gladly gone on a date with.

A Rejection Mindset is what authors Tila Pronk and J.A. Denissen call it. They draw on previous studies that showed the ideal pool of dating possibilities ranged from 20-50 people. Pronk and Denissen then conducted three different studies, using different methodologies, to see what would happen when people had more than fifty prospects to choose from.

The results consistently came back the same—people became fussier, more likely to turn away potential dates with the more choices they had. In that, their findings confirmed what had previously been uncovered by Dr. Barry Schwartz in his 2004 book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. Dr. Schwartz’s research focused on the consumer market more broadly, but Pronk and Denissen confirmed that it applies to online dating and relationships.

Well, that’s depressing.

Just when we had the dating world at our fingertips, we find out this could actually be hindering our chances of finding the right one. It might not be enough to make us long for the days of arranged marriage, but we can’t be blamed for thinking a previous generation had it easier—when they found someone special, there wasn’t that little gnawing voice insisting that an even more perfect candidate was just the swipe of a phone or the click of a mouse away.

Of course that’s not really true either. Having more options is a good thing. If nothing else, we know we don’t have to “settle”. But have we gone to the opposite extreme of chasing some mythical perfect person that doesn’t actually exist?

The solution is to find a way to manage choice more effectively. This is a challenge that goes well beyond online dating and into our new virtual world more broadly. Social media addiction—from Facebook to Instagram to online dating—is most definitely a thing, and it’s what drives the overload. How do you know if it applies to you?

Ask yourself a couple questions.

Do you vow to “take a break” from your online dating profile, even if just for the weekend, only to find yourself swiping through profiles? Maybe you went there by habit and didn’t realize it until you were on your third profile. Maybe you were just bored and it was a go-to thing. And maybe, seeing a profile photo of that attractive potential spouse, is what gives you a rush of hope.

The problem is, that rush of hope is likely to be a dopamine hit from the brain—similar to the rush you get when a Facebook post collects 100 likes. It’s not long-lasting and it is absolutely addictive.

When you first connect with someone online and strike up a good correspondence, the “rush” may continue. It may even get you to a first date. But eventually, it dries up and you realize the person you’re with is, after all, simply human. With their own set of foibles and flaws. If you’ve developed the rejection mindset, you’ll push them away and keep searching for your own version of Prince Charming and Snow White.

Which brings us to the second question to ask yourself—think back to when you were just trying to meet people in your parish or at work or out in a social setting. How would you have reacted to the person in front of you at that time? Would you have been excited to meet them? If you’re now thinking of reasons to push them away, it’s well possible that your brain has been rewired by online dating overload—and for the worse.

Are you ready to break these unhealthy habits?

A lot of us have developed unhealthy attachments online, from our social media presence to news consumption to an online dating profile. These are all still good things, but much like food, a good thing can be consumed to excess.

There are a lot of good solutions out there, but the Catholic Church offers one that’s not likely to be covered by secular media. It’s the power of fasting. Fasting is the way to break attachments and it comes highly recommended by The Master.

Take one day a week and fast from your social media accounts. Your brain can start to get rewired in the right direction and your online dating profile can do what it’s supposed to—make you available for the right person, not more likely to reject them.