Want to Help Your Dating Life? Focus on Friendships First!

What's the big deal about friendship?

Contrary to popular opinion, good marriages are not built on sweeping romance and overwhelming emotion. The best ones, in my experience, consist of about 85% friendship and only 15% romance. (I know, how unromantic!) This is where we get the age-old adage, “marry your best friend.” And I totally agree! You should be best friends with your spouse.

BUT. 

Don’t assume you have to be best friends first, and then start dating. Friendship and dating can go together hand in hand, at the same time! You should absolutely go on dates with lots of different people, because you can learn how to be friends and pursue a romantic relationship at the same time. But, the kicker is: you have to be well versed in friendship to do this.

Let’s rewind a little. WHY do I keep saying friendships are hugely important to your future marriage?

Building friendships creates community.

Community starts with the nuclear family, which often spills into extended families too. But after that, it’s all about building friendships and relationships with those around you—your church, your neighbors, your school friends, etc. As adults, we often forget the need to belong in a thriving community, and get very lonely as a result.

Many singles turn immediately to seeking romance as the cure to loneliness. This isn’t a bad desire, but singles often forget about needing normal, platonic relationships. Great meaning and value can be found in good friendships, and the community they provide helps singles feel how loved, important, and needed they are right now. 

Friendships teach you about yourself.

You learn a lot about yourself when you get to know other people! Meeting new people and visiting friends is a good way to evaluate your own strengths, needs, and desires. Are you good at conversation, or need some time to feel comfortable? Do you love big crowds, or small groups? What kind of people gravitate toward you, and who do you enjoy being around? Are your first impressions accurate? What does conflict look like? Who’s there when you need it, and are you there for others in need?

Friendships can answer all these questions. Your patterns of behavior shed light on your strengths and weaknesses, and even help you learn what type of future spouse you want. You are who you hang out with, right? Who your friend group is not only reflects a lot about yourself, but also provides the opportunity for romantic connections. Mutual friends, blind dates, and friend-of-a-friend introductions abound in strong, faithful friend groups!

Maintaining good friendships deepens you as a person and prepares you for married life.

In order to have good, long-term friendships, you and your friend have to have good communication, respect each other, be aware of the other’s needs, support each other through thick and thin, and prioritize your friendship above convenience. Hmm, these sound an awful lot like marriage skills to me!

The most important thing enduring friendships offer is TRUST. Every friendship is based on some form of trust. Marriages are based on the most sacred, deepest form of trust. This is why great marriages have 85% friendship, 15% romance. It means spouses have built a great friendship and trust each other enough to not depend on mere romantic feelings. This means they can weather emotional highs and lows, and their marriage will endure. (Paradoxically, this also creates the safest space for true romance to thrive. More on that in a minute.)

Friendships don’t disappear once you are married.

Friendships change, yes, and some will inevitably peter out or end. But the good ones stick around through the changes. Remember what I said earlier about how you should be best friends with your spouse? There’s also the point wherein your spouse shouldn’t be your only friend. You need to have some friends of your own gender, for all the reasons we talked about earlier. Good friends will want to support your vocation, and you can do the same in return. And sometimes, these friends outlive even the longest and most beautiful marriages!

So, we went through all this so you could see how valuable friendships are now and in your future. If you want to have a great marriage someday, work on your friendships as a single person! You can find community, lifelong support, and become a better individual.

You will also learn to recognize a future spouse when you see one, pursue a relationship, and create a solid foundation for marriage. And as unsexy as “friendship” sounds, it actually provides the best environment for romance to truly blossom. Friendship and romance are two faces of the same coin—you need both to really have something worthwhile.

So, how do you build your friendships now?

• Balance your dependence on online dating by making friends in the real world. Online dating shouldn’t be your primary social outlet!

• Reinvest in your church, and see if there are any existing groups or clubs you can join.

• Reach out to old friends! Often, at least one or two are still around, and would probably be happy to reconnect.

• Sign up for a class on a topic of interest, and see who else shares your curiosity.

• Start your own local group! Book clubs, running buddies, faith share groups, dance troupes, church prayer chains, you get the picture. Come up with an idea and get the word out there!

• Search online. Yes, you can find friend groups online—often, they’ll take the form of groups, clubs, or forums where people in similar life stages or faiths connect. Blessed Is She is a great one for women!

• Make friendships a regular part of life—meeting up doesn’t have to be frequent in order to be meaningful, just consistent! Whether you hang out every weekend or twice a year, make a point of being consistent with connection.

• Be open to mutual friends and blind dates! You are who you hang out with, after all—so see who else is in the circle.