Is a Failed Relationship a Waste of Time?

36

My husband wants our kids to think I was his only girlfriend ever. And vice versa. But I want them to know we dated other people before we met. It's not about "Look how popular we were." It's about showing them that love is not a one shot deal. A person you date and really like, or maybe even love, is not necessarily right for you.

I'm thinking of one guy in particular. We had a lot in common. It was the reason we had started out as such fast friends. Same loves—we could burn up the dance floor. Same wit—merciless. Same dominant streak of idealism. It was also the reason we were totally wrong for each other. Same hang ups. Same brooding temper. Same dominant streak of pickiness.

We had too much in common.

Our break up was ugly. We never did go back to being the friends we once were. Impossible.

I had mixed feelings about losing him. I missed the fun we had had—nobody could dance like this guy. Then again, nobody could punish like him either. So at the same time I felt a surge of relief. I knew that if we had gotten married and had kids, a full scale disaster would have come upon us all sooner or later. Sooner probably. I'd gotten off easy in a way. The break up was full and complete. I could put it behind me.

It seemed so dramatic then but in fact it was nothing out of the ordinary. Lots of people go through the same thing.

Dating is trial and error. That's its nature.

If it flops—well marriage with that person probably would have flopped too.

So, while it's natural to go over and over in your mind what you could have done differently, make it count. You're supposed to learn something from your failed relationship. Not so that you can beat yourself up for the previous relationship but so that you can date effectively next time. For one thing, look at how you choose a date. In my case, above, I needed to date someone different from me.

My husband and I have some key things in common—same Faith, same family size, same economic background, same type of education. But we are wired very differently. The stuff that bothers me is not the same stuff that bothers him. We get mad differently. We show love differently. We supply for what the other one lacks (instead of getting stuck in the same rut together).

Why can't you be like me?!

Our differences sometimes cause friction. There are times when I rail inwardly against the fact that we are so different. "Clueless! Thick headed man! Why can't you be like me?!" Then when I see the baffled look on his face and, I realize that, as much as I long for a meeting of the minds, I wouldn't swap it for his big heart. It has been the chief instrument of expansion for my small heart these thirty years.

It all makes sense now after such a long time that life with a guy who could have been my twin would have been a miserable affair. Spouses are supposed to help each other get to heaven, not put each other through hell.

So if you've ever felt dejected by the end of an affair, realize that it was not the waste it seems. A calling from God is not just to marriage in general but to marriage to a particular person. All that time and energy you spent on one person who was not the one was not futile. It was then, and is now, at the service of a higher love—your love for the one you are meant to be with.

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 5834 times —