10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Single Self 

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It’s amazing how wisdom grows in retrospect.

Coming from almost 10 years of a happy marriage (hard to believe I’m that old already…wisdom, right?), there are a handful of things I wish I could also tell my single-self. 

1. Don’t wish this time away! 

I know this sounds cliche, but truer words have never been said of the single life. I remember spending way too much time while single, daydreaming of what was to come in my married life. 

This is dangerous for two reasons: one, it puts you in God’s place by trying to predict your future. No one but God can know the trajectory of our lives, and it is in fact prideful to do this for Him. And two, it forgoes the present moment, which is the only thing we’ve been guaranteed in life. God is a God of the present—and we need to live in each moment we are given.

If you wistfully wait for tomorrow, you’ll miss out on the mission God has for you today. “Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.” (Matthew 6:34). Seize each and every day. 

2. Take things, and yourself, less seriously. 

If you are like me, I spent more time than I would care to admit worrying about how others perceive me. I strived (and still do sometimes, if I’m being honest) to fit into a model of what I thought others wanted. This came across most often in my interactions with men. It allowed for too many heartbreaks, too many let downs, and a lot of regrets. 

Remember, this phase in your life is fleeting. Yes, live in the present, but don’t agonize over not being invited to that party, or not getting your dream job, or that guy who is just not that into you. A closed door is often a blessing in disguise; a sign that God is directing you towards His plan, not yours.

Your harshest critic is often yourself, so try and lighten up a bit. Laugh at yourself, let yourself have fun, and surround yourself with people who call you to holiness but also love you where you are at. 

3. Be more spontaneous. 

If there is one thing I have missed most in the past decade of married life, it is the freedom to be spontaneous. As a single person, the only person you are in charge of is yourself. You still have to answer to God, so this doesn’t give you license to do something crazy, but you truly have a lot of freedom. Use it!

Take that cross country trip you’ve been dreaming of. Accept more invitations to things. Save up for that mountain bike. Invest in a new hobby (more on that below)!

4. Invest in your girlfriends. 

As human beings created for love, we all need community. This is beautiful in the context of marriage, but it is just as essential in the single life. The best form of community while single is found in holy, authentic friendships. Investing in your female friendships in particular is essential for your single state. 

This is something I did not do enough of while single. Women often make the mistake of prioritizing their dating life over everything else—and when a relationship falls apart, they have no one to lean on. A few good female friends can keep you level-headed through all the stages of a romantic relationship. It is essential to have girlfriends who can give you perspective, vet your new prospects with you, and offer a shoulder to cry on when rejection comes. 

Good, holy women also help one another grow in the virtues needed to live flourishing lives no matter what your state in life. Your friends don’t all have to be single, either. Find a married woman whom you can look to as a mentor, or write letters to that friend who entered the convent last year. We grow in virtue through the witness and support of others. Grow your community. 

5. Solidify your relationship with your family. 

Similar to the above point, don’t forget your family of origin. Your parents, siblings, grandparents and other relatives are in your life through all its stages. But particularly in your stage of singleness, you are given the gift of time with your family. When you do get married someday, your spouse and children will take first priority over your other family members. Holiday gatherings will likely be shared between your family and your spouse’s family, and your time as a whole is more devoted to your "new" family.

So, while you’re still single and unattached, attend the family holiday functions, visit your aging grandmother, and spend more time with your parents and siblings. Build up these relationships now so that you can continue to maintain a healthy bond throughout the seasons of your life. 

6. Learn to know (and like!) yourself. 

It is said that you cannot be capable of letting yourself be loved if you don’t first love yourself. As Christians, we are also called to know ourselves—both our virtues and our vices. This deeper self-knowledge is vital to strive for in the single life. There are many people who try to enter marriage with unaddressed wounds, and expect a spouse to fulfill all their needs. This is destructive for a marriage. 

Work on yourself while you’re single. Take an annual or biannual retreat, seek spiritual direction or counseling (or both!), and find peace with who God is calling you to be. 

7. Fall in love with Jesus. 

Let this time of singlehood be a time to grow your relationship with Jesus. This should be the number one relationship you pursue, as it is the most important relationship throughout your whole life. I came to the realization in my single years that God would not place my future husband in my path until I fell in love with God first.

Build your daily prayer life, read and study scripture, immerse yourself in the sacraments and the riches offered through the Church. Don’t wait for your vocation to start to pursue holiness! 

8. Discern all vocations. 

I spent many years of my single life hyper-focused on finding “The One.” It wasn’t until I finally allowed God to direct my singlehood that I realized I had not given a fair discernment of all vocations the Church has to offer. Learn about religious life by attending a “Come and See” weekend or talking with a vocations director. Visit with a consecrated virgin, or talk with someone who is making a gift of their single life.

And, study more about marriage! Read Theology of the Body, spend time with married couples, and learn about the reality of married life. It is essential to discern all vocational options before entering into the one God has prepared you for. 

9. Date for fun! 

Just as it is important to not take yourself seriously, don’t take dating so seriously either. Go on lots of dates with lots of different guys! Not only is this a great way to get over your fears and learn more about yourself, but it helps keep things in perspective. I spent much of my single life looking at nearly every guy in my life as a potential husband. This robbed me of staying in the present and keeping things in perspective. 

Plus, the vocation of marriage has some pretty intense elements to it. Whoever you end up marrying, you need to know how to have fun with them too! That starts at the dating level. 

10. Cultivate your hobbies and passions. 

Use this time to grow! Learn a new skill, delve into your hobbies and passions, find what gives you life. Not only will you feel much more fulfilled in your day-to-day life, but you will likely attract more men. A woman who is passionate, well-rounded, and focused on the many elements of her life—not just her romantic life—is a desirable woman.

Truly, this time in your life is so fleeting and special. I pray that these lessons I learned from looking back on my own singlehood might help you thrive in your single years! 

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