There’s loads of advice about “red flags” in a dating relationship. But less ink has been spilled on the subject of “green flags,” little indicators that you’re on the right track and may have found “the one.” Yet, arguably, green flags are just as important to pay attention to as red flags. To that end, here are 6 signs to watch for in a dating relationship that mean things are probably headed in the right direction.
- Your Date is Working on Developing Virtue
One of the first things to look for in a prospective spouse is virtue. This doesn’t mean that you have to marry the next Saint Joseph or Saint Margaret of Scotland. But it’s key that your potential spouse is at least trying to improve themselves and striving for holiness. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to be perfect, but it’s not at all unreasonable to expect them to be of good will and working toward perfection. Not only does this indicate that they have their priorities right–with God first–but it also means your marriage would likely run more smoothly. Marriage requires self-sacrifice and the practice of virtue. The less virtuous someone is, no matter how attractive they might be in other ways, the more difficult marriage to them would likely be.
- You’re Easily Able to Talk for Long Periods of Time
My first date with my future wife lasted about 5 hours, and the conversation never really dragged much. Looking back, this was a very good sign early in our relationship. Even though we’d known each other for years at that point, we were still able to find plenty to discuss and lots of things to connect on during our first date–and many dates thereafter. The ability to converse relatively easily with your date is a good sign because it shows that you’re comfortable with them, that you have similar interests, that you can connect on an intellectual and emotional level. All of these are elements of a healthy relationship.
- Your Date Wants to Talk About You More Than Themselves
Speaking of speaking, a good date will ask you questions about yourself and not just dominate the conversation with talk about themselves in a narcissistic monologue. If someone shows genuine interest in you and your background–not just as mere formality but with authentic emotion–that’s a good sign. Of course, if your date refuses to say anything about themselves, that would be a bad sign, too. But if they’re willing to share stuff about themselves with you and at the same time they display real interest in you, your interests, and your background, then that’s a good balance.
- You Find Your Date Attractive
Of course, physical attractiveness isn’t the most important quality in your date. But it shouldn’t be downplayed too much, either. Married love, after all, involves the physical as well as the spiritual. If you have great conversations but find your date actively unattractive on the physical level, you might want to pause. That being said, it’s also true that physical attraction can grow with time, so you don’t want to make a rash judgement, either. But if your date is clearly pursuing virtue, you connect with them emotionally and intellectually, and you like their looks, then the stars might be aligning.
- You Have Similar Morals and Goals
Do you and your date have a shared vision of what marriage is about? Do you agree on moral principles (hopefully in line with the Catholic Church’s teachings)? Do you both dream of living on a small farm or in the big city? If so, proceed with hope. As obvious as it may sound, disagreements within marriage often arise from differing visions of life and misaligned priorities. The more similar your vision of these matters is, the better. Of course, no two people will ever align perfectly on every issue, and part of marriage is learning how to accept that, but you can mitigate future conflict by choosing someone with similar goals and tastes.
- You Experience an Overall Sense of Peace and Joy
Padre Pio says: "The Spirit of God is a spirit of peace...The spirit of the devil, instead, excites, exasperates.” The saints generally teach that, when we are following God’s will, we experience an inner peace. Peace as you pursue a relationship is therefore a good sign. Of course, identifying this peace of God can sometimes be difficult, and it doesn’t mean that we never experience emotions of worry, doubt, or uncertainty. But if, at the deepest level–despite certain ups and downs, more on the surface of our hearts–we feel a calm, a trust, a peace, we can be pretty confident this spirit of peace comes from God and directs our steps.
There are, of course, many other green flags to look for, but these are some great ones to look for. They worked for me!
