4 Things to Remember When You Get Rejected

Rejection is a huge blow to even the most confident person's self-esteem.

But it happens to all of us and usually multiple times in life. Whether your significant other dumps you or the person you’re interested in rejects you, the recovery process is no joke.

As C.S. Lewis famously said, “To love is to be vulnerable,” which is precisely why rejection feels like a sucker punch to the gut. Telling someone you like or love them requires a great deal of humility and vulnerability. When you get rejected, it’s easy to feel like that vulnerability was a mistake and to start putting up walls.

There are some common pitfalls we all experience post-rejection or post-breakup. Falling victim to defensive thoughts can cause more damage and you inhibit your healing process, not to mention stunt personal growth. There are four important things to remember when coping with the pain of rejection.

1. The person rejecting you is not evil, they're just not right for you

When someone rejects or dumps you, the natural instinct is to flip the switch on how you feel about them. Suddenly, everything you used to love about them is overshadowed with the fact that they have rejected you. It’s tempting to view them in a negative light, but that never really heals the sting, does it?

You can’t force someone to feel a certain way. Attraction isn’t something you can control, it’s either there or it’s not. They just might not be into you and that’s okay. You’re not going to be right for everyone and not everyone is going to be right for you. It can feel extremely personal, but at the end of the day, you can’t really fault someone for something as uncontrollable as attraction.

Also, if someone rejects you in a cruel way, remember they’re flawed people. “Hurt people hurt people” is a cheesy quote, but it’s true. Realizing they’re imperfect and probably suffering from their own pain will help you forgive them.

2. Your worth as a person does not lessen because of rejection

This is particularly important to remember. When someone doesn’t want to be with us, we immediately think, “Well, what’s wrong with me?” We ruminate over all the ways we’re not good enough. Oftentimes, this boils down to superficial things: how we look, whether we’re funny enough, our material possessions, the job we have, etc. Because these are things somewhat within our control, we begin to feel as though we’ve failed at making ourselves “worthy” enough for their love and affection.

We subconsciously begin defining our self-worth based on how much someone likes us.

As stated above, a lack of compatibility is usually the problem, not you. Furthermore, your worth as a person never changes. As someone made in the Image of God, your worth comes purely from Him. No person on earth defines your worth.

No matter how much you admire and respect the person you want to be with, their lack of interest in you cannot change the fact that you’ve been made entirely unique and worthy of infinite love. Even on the days you live in sweatpants, even when your skin breaks out, even when nobody likes you—your worth as a person never changes.

3. God's willing something different and better for you

The days and weeks following getting rejected or dumped are particularly rough. As you go through the seven stages of grief, you begin grappling with why it didn’t end happily ever after: “I like them so much, why couldn’t it work out just this once?” If you’re Catholic, you’ve probably felt frustrated that God keeps sending people who don’t like you back!

The truth is, there is a reason for every person who comes into your life. With every person who walks in and out of the door, there’s always something to be learned. You learn about what you do and don’t want. You see the mistakes you made more clearly. You begin gaining experience and self-knowledge that are crucial for a successful future relationship.

When it doesn’t work out with the person you want, it just means God is willing something different and better for you. When you’re in the thick of mourning the loss of a relationship with them, it’s hard to see all the ways they aren’t right for you. A couple months out, you’ll start seeing just how wrong they were for you. You’ll begin recognizing qualities and traits in other potential romantic partners that are better suited to you.

4. You're never alone

Heartbreak can make you feel incredibly lonely. The truth is, you’re never alone in your pain. It’s easy to turn inwards and wallow in misery, but it’s important to reach out to your support system. When you’re tempted to dwell on the loss of romantic love, don’t forget about the friends and family who love you unconditionally! Let them come to your aid and recognize the love they have for you. It’s easy to only focus on romantic love and disregard the very real sources of love in your everyday life.

Similarly, turning to the comfort and love of Christ makes any breakup or rejection 100% easier. When you pray to God for consolation and guidance, your pain begins to feel like it has a purpose. As Catholics, we believe suffering is not for naught. In fact, suffering is productive—especially in regard to heartbreak. Ask Christ and His saints to be with you during your heartache, to guide you, to help you see the reason in all of it.

Ask them to lead you to a deeper personal growth. You will find that your loss of earthly romantic love is bringing you closer God, whose love for you is infinite and unchanging.