All Relationships Begin with Physical Attraction...But Don't End With It

A few weeks ago, this article was posted on the blog, and let’s just say it got quite the response. It was interesting to hear the range of comments, from “Well, of course they do!” to “That is extremely offensive,” and everything in between. For the record, I edited the article and remember discussing it with my boss before it was published.

We knew it would be controversial and perhaps ruffle some feathers. Why? First, because there’s a lot of truth in there. And second, because there isn’t enough truth in there.

So. Let’s discuss what it got right.

Do I agree with the article? Absolutely. You are lying if you say you don’t consider someone’s physical looks as part of your dating evaluation.

It’s why we publish articles about dressing for a first date. It’s why the site strongly encourages you to add a photo to your online profile. It’s why people want to meet face-to-face. It’s why you fill out a questionnaire about whether you agree with the Church’s teachings on sexual morality...because at some point, you might want have sex with your future spouse and in order for that to happen, you have to be physically attracted to them! As the original writer said, it’s so obvious it hardly needs to be mentioned.

Does this mean it all hinges on physical attraction? Of course not. And we’ll get to that. But do many, many relationships begin with someone picking out someone else from the sea of humanity based on their looks? YES.

Let’s say you are into guys who wear glasses. When you see one, you think, “Ooo, he’s cute.” And let’s say you also like beards. So, if a bespectacled, bearded man pops into your dating queue, of course you’re going to notice him! Because you find those features attractive. It’s as simple as that.

But men, listen up. This cuts both ways.

You want someone who is lithe and beautiful and perfect and the ideal of standard of what “woman” was created to be—and we do too. Like women, men were designed to attract women (among other things, obviously) and have a certain beauty to them. Men are meant to be strong, handsome, and masculine. God designed men to not only admire women but to protect, defend, and serve them. And so men should strive to be all of these things—the most perfect and beautiful versions of themselves.

All women expect certain things of you. We expect you to take care of yourself. That means you eat healthy food, exercise your body, and bathe on a regular basis. If you drink, then you do so in moderation. If you look good with facial hair, then groom it. Wear clothes that are neat, clean, and fit your body.

Women also expect you to be employed, or working towards being there. We expect you to uphold our dignity, respect us, and most of all, help us get to heaven. Do your bodies and physical attractiveness matter to us? Absolutely. But it’s not all that matters to us. And it shouldn’t be all that matters to you.

Okay, so what did the article miss?

1. That all women are beautiful, regardless of form or figure.

Women are God’s crowning glory. We were created at the peak of creation, after all other creatures and beings (aka rough drafts), and each one us holds the immense power to create life within ourselves. I mean, our physical forms can’t get more amazing.

The catch in the other article is that “beautiful” seems to refer to the type of women who stop you in your tracks walking down the street. But that should not mean that all other, more “ordinary” women are not beautiful.

For clarity’s sake, let’s just reiterate: every female form is the peak of creation! Regardless of shape, figure, size, flavor, or color.

2. That we aren’t attracted to the same “beautiful.”

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? The other article said no. There is an objective standard we all agree is beautiful. But is this really true?

There is some beauty in the world that really does take your breath away. Some women are blessed with striking physical beauty—and we would all agree that she is beautiful. Some mountain ranges are beautiful, some babies are beautiful, some cathedrals are beautiful—and everyone agrees!

But what about quiet, simple beauty? What about everyday beauty? What about the women who don’t knock you off your feet? Not every man is going to agree on “Who Is Beautiful.” One man might only be attracted to women with brown eyes. Another might only date women with blonde hair. Another man might only be attracted to curvy women. A different one might value a sweet smile. We are all attracted to different people.

And thank goodness for that! Do I want my husband to be attracted to every woman or even admire every woman? No. I want him to be attracted to and admire me. There is a man, or woman, out there who wants what you have to offer.

Finally, even if I were a strikingly physically beautiful woman, would I want every man ogling me on the street? No! Because I was made for more than beauty. I was made for not only beauty, but also truth and goodness.

3. Women’s bodies weren’t created just to be admired, but to be strong and productive and nurturing and comforting and warm and useful and healthy and loving.

A lot of the reaction to the original piece was because the focus was exclusively on beauty. And for some, it felt like a woman’s desirability was reduced to her physical form, instead of recognizing all of the complex and interconnected qualities that make someone beautiful.

But just to make sure we’re all on the same page, let’s reiterate: you were made for more than beauty. Women: you, and your body, were made to love and comfort and strengthen and help and guide (and so many other things). Whatever form and shape you have, know that your form is very good and God made it that way.

4. What you consider beautiful can change.

Finally, a very important point that the original piece didn’t touch on is that what you consider beautiful and lovely can change over time. This happened to me in fact!

I met my now-husband a few years ago and we became friends. While we were both single and I enjoyed his friendship immensely, I discounted any chance of romantic love because he was shorter than me...by about an inch. Noticeably shorter. I agonized to my mother and friends about this: “He’s pretty much perfect...but shorter than me!”

But really, in the end, it didn’t matter. I fell in love with him anyway. My definition of what was beautiful changed. And likely, over time, yours will too.

Ultimately, even if many relationships begin with some physical interest, NONE of them end with that.

Both at the beginning of your courtship or marriage and the end of your life, you should choose the person in front of you not because they are beautiful and you want to admire them all the days of your life, but because they are kind, holy, good, and put you on the path the sainthood.