What Is Your Dream About Marriage?

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Fifty years ago, very few people asked this question: Why isn't my marriage like I dreamed it would be? Sadly, it is a fairly common question today.

People's perception and understanding of marriage has changed over the past five decades.

In the 1960's, spouses understood that the vow to be true to each other through good times and bad, in sickness and health, meant that a lifelong marriage would have definite bumps, divots, and potholes. They expected to put effort into staying married.

But the situation today is different. Many spouses think that a marriage should be like a dream: easy and sexy and entertaining. They find it difficult to grasp that they must work on marital bliss, cultivate conjugal spirituality, and develop shared rather than personal interests.

Here's something else that has changed.

Years ago, a husband or wife within a tenuous relationship would be told to suck it up, pay better attention to their spouse, and work through the difficulty.  They would be counseled by family, friends, and clergy to hang in there, to fix what they are doing wrong, to recommit to their vows.

Today's advice is almost a polar opposite. If you're feeling frustrated, open the door and leave or separate.  They agree with an unhappy spouse who tells you that no one should be expected to budget or clean or stay home rather than go out with their single friends. They affirm that no spouse has the right to ask their beloved to link sex to children or share a faith life or enjoy a quiet evening at home without social media.

What happens to modern couples when the going gets tough?

True story. A few years ago, a wife contacted our office because she had discovered her husband was unfaithful. Our staff listened and offered consolation and support. With her permission, we contacted the husband who (thankfully) said he would talk. Again, we listened to his side of the story.

What had happened to this couple? They had grown apart. He was working to build his business and was on the road every week. She worked outside of the home and kept the lid on the kids activities. Both had found someone outside their marriage who would listen to their struggles. He shared his emotions with a female co-worker and she with her sister. When they felt the distance between them widen, both sought out cultural rather than Christ-centered wisdom. She turned to feminist blogs and women's magazines. He used porn.

Perhaps this is why both of them asked us, "Why didn't our marriage turn out like we dreamed?"

Here are the three simple questions we asked this struggling couple to consider.

We suggested that the answer to their question would be found in their reflection.

  1. Do you define your marriage by cultural or by divine wisdom?
  2. Has your imagination about marriage been formed in reality or fantasy?
  3. What is the value (if any) of labor and toil?

A week later, the spouses met with us separately. Here is a paraphrase of their responses. How ironic that both of them had the same answers.

It is such a travesty that we viewed marriage according to society's expectations and not by God's truth.

We have a delusional image of marriage because we have listened to the culture's messages about marriage, love and sex. It's hard for me to dream about a joyful marriage, because I obsess or fixate on unrealistic expectations of the married stated. No one can be happily married by the culture's terms.

I work hard for our business and for our family. I understand the value of labor and toil. What I don't know how to do is work hard for my marriage.

God's dream for your marriage is so much better than yours.

Certainly, you have similar experiences with couples. Surely, you know the pain of this situation. Hopefully, you know how to guide struggling couples to this truth. God's dream for your marriage is so much better than yours. Reform your imagination so that it reflects God's dream. Make your dream image His love.

How do you do that?

First, couples need to limit their mental exposure to the culture's message about marriage. Guide couples to step far away from all forms of media that demean traditional marriage and family life.

Secondly, couples need to replace the old forms of media with Christ centered resources. Help them find the good stuff that upholds the Church's teachings.

Finally, encourage them to take the time to repair and rebuild their dream of marriage. We typically ask couples to give them the same amount of time to rebuild as it has taken to fall away from the marriage they dreamed about.

With a bit of support and redirection from a firm believer in God's plan for marriage, couples can live the proper dream of love and life.

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