Have You Been a Victim of the Slow Fade?

Have you ever been a victim of "the slow fade?” I have. I’ve perpetrated it too.

The slow fade is when someone’s not into you, but they don’t tell you. Instead, they gradually just…fade away. After some communication or a few dates, they stop calling. Texts become more infrequent. And then…they’re gone.

The slow fade is not the same as “ghosting."

Ghosting is when someone simply stops communicating without warning, never to be heard from again. The slow fade is a gradual process of disengagement. It’s peeling back the band-aid rather than ripping it off.

The slow fade is also different from simply not knowing what you want. Sometimes, you may be interested in pursuing something further with someone, but you’re still genuinely not sure if you’re a good fit. In that case, you should probably keep talking and going on dates to learn more about the person and determine if you want more.

By contrast, the slow fade happens when you know—when you’ve decided you’re not interested, but you don’t tell the person outright. Instead, you leave them occasional crumbs on a trail that ultimately leads to nowhere.

Why do we do the slow fade? It’s human nature. Most people want to avoid confrontation. We don’t like to feel uncomfortable. We’d rather avoid the difficult conversation, so we take the easy way out. We just fade away.

I once dated a woman who refused to do the slow fade. She did the loving thing.

I once dated a woman for a few months. A mutual friend set us up, we went on several dates, and texted every few days. At first, we seemed to have a mutual attraction. Occasionally, we discussed future plans to hang out again. We never had the DTR (define the relationship) talk. As far as I knew, she was interested in me. I figured we were just moving slowly and casually.

One day, I texted her. She responded, saying she didn’t think our relationship was going anywhere so we should stop communicating. Ouch. It stung at the time. But she did me a favor. She was up front and honest about what she wanted. Despite my pangs of rejection, I’m glad she did that.

She refused to do the slow fade on me. Instead, she did the loving thing.

Love. That’s the element missing from the slow fade, or ghosting, or any of the other ways we may potentially hurt someone in the dating dance. I’m not talking, of course, about the culture’s modern romantic ideal of “love.”

What’s missing is real Christian love. In the dating world, as in every other area of our lives, this is the kind of love that should set us apart as Catholics.

In Ephesians 4:15, Paul says,

“Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.”

Speak the truth in love.

So there it is. We’re required to speak the truth in love.

If the truth is you don’t want a romantic relationship with someone, you should be honest and tell them. In love. Will their feelings be hurt? Probably. Rejection never feels fun. But in the long run, it’s best for both parties. You don’t waste their time by keeping them hanging on to hope. You free them up to move on and seek someone else. In the end, you’ll be doing the loving thing.

As Catholics, we’re called to a higher standard. We’re called to treat every person with love, from our closest loved ones to those we’ve just met. It’s good to always remember that the person you’re dealing with is another human being. As Catholics, we should strive for nothing less. It’s better than playing the fading game.