“So are you moving into her house or are you getting a place together?”
That was the question a colleague asked me upon hearing of my plans to relocate to the Boston area, which took place last fall in order to be closer to my girlfriend. It had been a little over 18 months since we connected on CatholicMatch and it was time to take the first big leap. The question my colleague had asked me, in perfectly good will, made the same assumption that modern Western culture makes—that surely we were going to share expenses (and more), rather than live separately.
My response that living separately was what we planned to do just drew a mystified chuckle. But this is a typical response of modern culture. It is simply baffles people as to why anyone would choose not to live together.
It all adds up to swimming against the tide in 21st century America.
What's the current direction of the cultural tide?
The direction of the tide is defined very well by this article outlining eight new dating rules of 2018 as dating norms to live by. Six of them are generic enough to be useful for anyone, Catholic or not.
But the first rule introduces the first bit of confusion, recommending that the check on a first date be split. Now, to be clear, if a couple does it this way, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. But it surely introduces confusion for women who are more oriented to tradition.
These kinds of dating “rules” leave them uncertain if they should at least have their credit card ready at the restaurant when the check comes. Or if they end up splitting it, if that’s a dating red flag or just a sign that the guy is as confused as she is. Guys, just swim upstream, pick up the tab and keep everyone’s life a lot simpler.
Some secular dating rules are misguided and frankly, wrong.
That’s a modest example of having to swim against the tide. The fourth “rule” is where the rubber hits the road. The rule is: “Follow your passions...many relationships have grown from sleeping together on the first date...do what feels right for both of you.” Not much subtlety there. I’m not even going to ask what the writer thinks of being into the third year of a relationship and living separately.
The wave of secular dating rules rolls on the other way.
I went through the annulment process five years ago. Lisa Duffy has written here extensively on that. I would add that my own experience of placing working on my recovery ahead of dating was something that required similar efforts to go against the current culture. I’m thinking of two examples of relatives/friends giving me advice to date, and doing so in a pointed fashion that made it clear that dating and having sex were basically one in the same.
That’s the landscape. What do you do about it?
For me, I start by allowing that the advice and comments I get from those around me make a certain amount of logical sense. Who does want to pay extra rent when expenses could be shared? Who wants to drive to and fro each night when you’re tired? Who does want to look into their girl’s beautiful brown eyes and have to restrain themselves?
Catholics believe in something bigger than the here-and-now though. And that our actions affect that reality.
Unless, of course, you believe in something even bigger.
The day-to-day questions and challenges underscore the need to revisit core beliefs—do you believe that Jesus Christ founded the Catholic Church to bring all souls to eternal salvation and a world beyond any of our wildest imaginations? And do you believe that indulgence in grave matter jeopardizes access to that world? If you do, then the choice becomes much clearer.
Maintaining the conviction necessary to swim upstream doesn’t come by normal human willpower—it comes from the direction of the will to be sure, but the power and sustenance has to come from God Himself. Mass, the rosary and giving God time for spiritual reading are essential components of keeping a clear eye on eternity.
It’s a tidal wave of insanity in our world today. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go along with it, nor do I have the strength to swim against it on my own. Divine Grace is the only thing that makes it possible.
