What I Wish I Had Done When I Was Single

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve daydreamed about being single. I’m happily married, mom to a hilarious toddler, and feel absolutely certain that my vocation is to marriage.

So, I don’t mean that I wish I was actually single now. But I often think about that time of my life and imagine all the different ways my life could have unfolded, all the things I wish I had done when I was single.

Alas, hindsight is 20/20, but maybe some of you can still benefit from it. If I could go back and tell my single self how to take advantage of that time, here’s what I’d say:

1. I wish I had learned how to love myself more.

I’m sure it’s a lifelong journey to really loving yourself. But I wish I had started it sooner.

When I was single, I remember analyzing and critiquing so many of my own qualities. Am I not getting asked out because of those few extra pounds? Because I was too forward? Because I’m too emotional? I wish I could go back and tell myself: you are worthwhile, you are enough, you are loved. And I wish that I could have believed myself back then.

Being married has of course helped me to see how loved I am not only by my husband, but also by God. But—God loved me this much back then too. Why was I so hard on myself? Liking myself more when I was single would have helped me to have that quiet confidence of a person who doesn’t need to be loved or approved by anyone else; because she knows she already has it from the Person who matters most.

Learn to be kind and gentle and understanding towards yourself. Give yourself a break. Try to see yourself how God see you.

2. I wish I had gone on more dates.

I did date when I single, just not very well or very often. I usually dated someone for a few months, it stayed casual forever, and then eventually sort of petered out or ended poorly. How I wish I had handled this differently!

I wish I had gone on more real dates with the shy guy I spotted in Mass every week or with people I met online or with friends of friends. I spent way too much time either dreaming up romantic moments of meeting “the one” or casual flirting at loud and dirty bars. Both led to exactly zero dates and chances to discover what sort of guy I was after.

Go on lots of first dates. Meet and date a lot of different people. One of those people will be the one.

3. I wish I had given more of my time to others.

Now that I’m married and mothering, my most precious commodity is time. Who or what gets my time? Myself? My son? Chores? I have fewer moments to share with friends, to give of myself to those beyond my immediate family.

In general, this doesn’t bother me. This vocation and serving my family is the best use of my time now. As Mother Teresa said, “If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.” I know even my little unseen acts of love in my home can make a difference in the world.

But when I was single, I had the chance to reach out to so many people and do something BIG for Jesus—and I wish I had taken advantage of that time. I wish I had radically given of my time in a year of service work to the poor or as a missionary. I wish I had regularly volunteered at a women’s shelter or in a ministry at my church. I wish I had even had more friends over for potluck dinners. Is Jesus calling you to love and serve others radically? Yes, absolutely. Figure out how and do it now.

Become a missionary, volunteer with Catholic Charities, start a Bible study. Now is the time.

4. I wish I had chased more wild dreams with chances of failure.

Have you ever read the book The Last Lecture? I highly recommend it. In it, one of the things the author talks most about is achieving your childhood dreams. For him, one was to work for Disney—and he did! I often think about my own childhood dreams and whether I’ve achieved any of those yet or what it would take to achieve them.

The years I was single would have been the perfect time to chase some these, despite how financially risky, insane, or unrealistic they are! I wish I had actually moved to Russia when I had the chance, wish I had started writing a book, wish I had really ambitiously pursued my career path. Even if these had ended in a bust, what did I have to lose back then? Who was counting on my income or constancy or security? No one.

Use this time to chase your wildest dreams.

Most of these things aren't impossible to do while married of course. But they're harder.

My life isn’t exclusively mine now. Especially as a mother, people are depending on my constant, steady presence in their lives in a way that no one was when I was single. Many of these dreams have to take the back-burner until we can afford it, until we’re done with babies, until I have a little more breathing room to pursue them.

When I was single, every night was mine. Every dollar was mine. I was beholden to no one.

I wish that instead of always feeling forlorn or that I was missing out on love, I had embraced my singlehood and all of it’s glorious freedom. Freedom, not to do whatever I wanted and live a selfish life, but to chase my dreams, to give generously, and to love with abandon...to become who God created me to be.