Is It Time To Stop Pursuing Him?

I am married to a chemist, but our friendship was marked by a significant lack of chemistry at the beginning. After meeting each other, he took me out on a first date that went horribly. He was attracted enough to me (I guess) to ask me on a second date the next week. It was equally horrible. We decided not to pursue a relationship, but we kept in touch and saw each other occasionally. Three years passed. One day, realizing he had just gone through a break-up, I reached out to him to offer support.

Well, that conversation turned into many more conversations in the weeks and months that followed. I realized how attracted I was to this guy, and told him flat out, "I'm attracted to you, just to let you know." Apparently, he felt similarly, because our third date happened soon after. This time, years after the fateful first dates, the date went really well, and we got engaged a few months later.

But, what if I hadn't said anything? Or what if he had pursued me and I hadn't been interested at the time? Where is the line between perseverance and harassment?

You don't want to be stuck waiting forever...

The way a love story plays out is different for everyone. For some it moves slowly, meandering through months and years as the relationship deepens and blossoms for both parties. For others it moves quickly, bursting into flames and maturing rapidly.

But what happens when one person is much more invested than the other? When is it appropriate to keep persevering and pursuing someone, and when do you know it is time give up?

Stories from couples in my life come to mind. The first involves an older lady at church I remember from when I was a kid. Her name was Gwendolyn, and I remember her because she used to insist on giving me a kiss after Mass. I dreaded it because she always left a lipstick mark on my cheek. Gross! One day she told me that her husband proposed to her three times over the course of four years before she said yes.  When I think about it now, I would love to be able to ask her husband why he kept trying after not one, but two rejections!

Persist!

Another story is the one my dad always tells.  He met my mom in college and figured out which classes she was taking and what route she took to get to them each day. He promptly signed up for the same classes she was in and tried to walk with her or near her every day. My dad jokes that he stalked my mom until she fell in love with him.

Now, I have been blessed to witness the beauty of my parent's marriage. Similarly, despite my dislike of Gwendolyn's kisses, I liked seeing her and her husband together because they were both so kind and obviously in love. Gwendolyn's husband and my dad were quite persistent in their pursuit of their future wives, even when it did not seem like either woman was interested.

Cease and desist...

On the other hand, persistence does not always work out. Take my friend Ken, for example. He pursued my friend Bella for years, and she refused to date him. They maintained a friendship, but every so often he would ask about dating, and she would say no. Finally, one year, she said yes. They dated for a while, but then broke up. Ken's persistence did not end happily ever after.

Or, take my friend Leah. Leah met Patrick and they started talking. Then Leah would not leave Patrick alone, wanting to talk all the time, and insisting that they spend time together. He eventually had a restraining order placed on Leah. In this case, persistence did not pay off either.

Where's the line?

It can be hard to judge when to keep being persistent and when it is time to move on and give up. However, I think there are a general guidelines to keep in mind, and most of them have to do with how long you have known someone.

1. If someone tells you after an initial meeting,  "I don't want to go on another date" or "I'm not interested" then you MUST call it quits and move on. In Gwendolyn's case, she liked the man who kept proposing to her, she just wasn't sure she wanted to marry him. And, they already had an established friendship. That is vastly different from a first or second date scenario.

2. However, if someone says, "Let's just stay friends" then ask someone you trust (perhaps a member of the opposite sex) if they can help you see the situation more clearly. Often, "let's just be friends" is code for "I'm not interested in you" and you should probably let go and move on.

3. If there is a way to continue a friendship with someone you're interested in, but who does not want date you, do so, but at a slower pace. While continuing that one friendship, be open and actively pursue friendships/relationships with other people. Something could change later on, but if it doesn't, you don't want to be stuck pining after one person forever.

4. It is easy in the online dating world to become pen-pals with someone without dating or being in a relationship. If you are messaging someone, but are unsure as to what the other person's intentions are, ask. In the stories I shared about Gwendolyn, my parents, and my friends, there was always a clear pursuer or someone who was obviously interested in a relationship. If you are unclear, ask. Speak up. Don't be stuck in pen-pal limbo.

5. Pray to trust God's timing, and ask for the grace of patience and the ability to see clearly.