How to Date Better After Divorce

Looking back on my dating life before I got married, I can see the mistakes I made: questions I should have asked but never did or blaring red flags I chose to not pursue further.

Needless to say, it left me worried and overwhelmed, wondering how to date better after divorce: “How will I avoid making the same mistakes again? How do I make better relationship choices in the aftermath of a marriage that did not last?”

I remembered talking a lot with my counselor about this. She would often remind me, "Now you get to put into practice all these tools that we’ve talked about and learned. They will help you listen to your gut and trust yourself in new ways."

And she was right.

I am still learning and growing, but I do see differences in how I am making better relationship choices this second time around.

Here are the changes that I have found most helpful and encouraging in my journey:

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to make things very clear

When I started dating after my annulment, I was very nervous and a little anxious. And I asked my younger sister how I would know to be open to a second date with a man or be open to pursuing a deeper relationship.

She told me to pray to the Holy Spirit, and ask Him to make it very clear in my heart, mind, and soul as to what my next move was. It sounded something like this:

“Holy Spirit, make it so clear to me if I should be open to this or further pursue something. Make it abundantly clear that I would not doubt but be filled with your peace. Amen.”

And you know what, this has not failed me yet! This short, simple little prayer has helped me grow in my ability to trust myself, my own judgment, and to know if I do not feel safe or comfortable, God will help reveal that to me.

This prayer has helped me say no to some uncomfortable men I did not want to go on a second date with. And it has helped me feel comfortable in accepting opportunities to get to know people I feel safe and comfortable around.

2. Be honest and take responsibility for past mistakes

One thing I think is important before starting to date again is to take responsibility for your own part in why your marriage ended and past mistakes you do not want to repeat again.

I know for myself going through the annulment process showed me the negative ways I acted: co-dependent, controlling, emotionally needy, and insecure. I had to name and identify the things that I did wrong and name faults I contributed. Some things that helped me to understand how I went wrong were talking and working with my counselor and making time for self-reflection.

Maybe you struggled with being overly codependent?  Or perhaps you were controlling or struggled to communicate well? Perhaps there were struggles in how you handled conflict? Whatever your past mistakes in a relationship, the point is that no one wants to repeat them again.

While failed marriages are painful and a sad reality, they can be opportunities to learn from and grow. When we own our part, we are saying, “Yes, I did this or acted in these ways. I see how they negatively contributed to the relationship. I want to learn from those mistakes and make better, healthier choices moving forward.”

3. Have healthy boundaries

When I was dating my former husband, I can look back and see how we did not have very healthy boundaries, specifically physical. While we never slept together before we married, we both chose and engaged in choices that I know clouded my own judgment in what was healthy and unhealthy. It set up a toxic, unhealthy sexual template for us as we began our married life.

Now of course there are lots of different types of boundaries: emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, etc. For boundaries to work, you need to understand and know for yourself before you enter a serious dating relationship, what are your non-negotiable boundaries.

What are the items you will not allow yourself to be compromised in? How will you use boundaries to keep yourself safe while also respecting the other person?

An exercise I found especially helpful with my own counselor, was deciding upon and creating a list on what my boundaries were before I started dating again. This allowed me to feel safe and acutely understand what I was and was not comfortable with as I dated and someday entered a serious relationship.

Healthy boundaries are not something you just arrive at overnight, but something that takes time and practice. But setting them in place before you start dating, will only help you make smarter relationships choices moving forward.

What has your experience of dating been post-divorce?

What things have you learned about yourself to make better relationship choices moving forward?