The 4 Step Pre-Date Pep Talk

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Does anybody really like first dates?

Unless you’re a seasoned pro or relentlessly confident, first dates can be pretty awkward. Especially the first ten minutes. You know what I mean—the initial meet up where you tentatively wave to a guy who might be your date. You say, “Brian?” hoping nobody spots the first date scenario unfolding before them (they can.)

Just thinking about a first date makes me nauseous. In fact, it’s precisely the anticipating of a first date that makes me want to pursue my fallback lifestyle: old maid. My fellow girlfriends have expressed similar anxiety and avoidance of dating. Even though we want to be asked out, the excitement after being asked quickly turns into dread as the nerves kick in.

If you’ve ever considered canceling on a date last minute, you’re probably a pro at weighing your Friday night options: “Do I subject myself to pre-date stress or do I spend quality time with my ride-or-dies, tv shows, and pizza?” Who could blame you? But if you’re someone who wants to get married, which I assume you are if you’re reading this, you know avoiding dates won’t score you a spouse anytime soon.

After working at a magazine with an encouraging relationships section, I realized Harry Styles wasn’t going to suddenly appear before me (no matter how many St. Raphael novenas I prayed)—I had to go out and get him! So, after a few stressful first dates, I came up with a method to calm myself down before the date. It's a four step pre-date pep talk that gets me out of my head and focused on the present.

If you’re also a pre-date stresser, these steps are just for you.

01. Pretend you’re meeting up with a friend.

The more you think “oh my gosh, it’s a date, a date, a date!” the more you psych yourself out. Pre-date stress is a result of making it a bigger deal than it is. My no. 1 tactic is pretending I’m just meeting up with a friend. Honestly, it’s sort of true; you’re not dating that person yet, you’re simply getting to know them better as a person. Friendship should be at the core of every relationship. First dates tell you if you’re even compatible as friends.

When you approach a first date with the mindset of getting to know someone as a friend first, you’re able to relax. You’re not stressed about impressing them, and expectations aren’t disturbing your peace. Not to mention, when you view them as a friend first, you’re able to behave and communicate more naturally.

Just be careful to not get trapped in “hangout” land. After the first couple of dates, you should be discerning whether you have enough chemistry with this person to pursue a romantic relationship with. Don’t keep them in a “friendzone” out of comfort.

02. You’re not obligated to keep going out with them, it’s just one date.

Another reason we dread first dates is because we think too far down the line and anticipate the stress of shutting them down if we end up not being interested. We think, “What if we meet and he really likes me, but I don’t like him?” This is simply an attempt at future-gazing and pure self-sabotage. In life, fear is what keeps us from putting ourselves out there—the same applies to dating.

If this rings true to you, remind yourself that it’s just one date and you’re not obligated to a second or third if you’re not feeling it. If someone likes you but you don’t like them, you don’t owe them more dates and you’re not a bad person for not liking them back. Sometimes a spark is there, most times it’s not—and that’s why you go on first dates until it finally clicks with someone.

03. Don’t take forever getting ready.

Once I spent hours getting ready for a date. I had to make sure my makeup was glamorous and that my outfit was impressive. I ended up barely looking like myself and wearing shoes I hated. I literally circled the block three times before going into the restaurant because I felt so uncomfortable with how I looked. Years later, I threw on my favorite dress and Converse high tops before walking out the door for a date. I didn’t even bother with wearing contacts and opted for my daily glasses.

Sometimes the longer you take “perfecting” yourself, the more you get in your head. Do something before your date. Don’t spend the day doing nothing, counting down the hours 'til go time. Hang out with friends, run some errands, go to the gym, do laundry, schedule a few phone calls. Keep your mind busy with the other things that occupy 99.9% of your life.

Also, wear something you feel like yourself in! The things you wear have a lot of power over how you feel. If you wear something that isn’t true to who you are, it ends up feeling like a costume or a facade which is just added stress before a date.

04. In a few hours, it will all be over.

The hours we spend anticipating an awkward date far exceeds the amount of time it actually takes. When those anxious thoughts keep popping up throughout the day, remind yourself that your date will be 2-3 hours max and that you’ll be home before you know it.

When you put into perspective the time a date takes in relation to everything else you do in your day, it barely takes any time. Laying on your couch catching up on your favorite episodes takes longer than a date!

Breathe a little easier before that next first date.

With these four steps, you can now approach those first dates with confidence and ease. Remember, the first date is just the first step in finding a relationship that will lead to marriage. Keep it all in perspective, and try to have some fun along the way!

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