"Be Nice and Be Yourself" Is Bad Dating Advice; Do This Instead!

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Being nice and being yourself isn’t inherently bad. It’s not evil to be nice, and yourself is a cool person. It’s just bad dating advice. Applying this cliche phrase as good dating logic is pretty flawed. Why? Three basic reasons:

1. It encourages people-pleasing over acting on your values.

If you’re trying to be “nice” all the time, the priority is whether the other person feels comfortable and has no reason to dislike you. In pursuit of this, it’s very easy to downplay or even brush aside your own values and standards, because your date might be offended or disagrees. It also is easy to ignore red flags in a date, because it wouldn’t be very nice to acknowledge a glaring problem, now would it?

2. It excuses bad behavior under the guise of “it’s just who I am!”

It’s a lot more convenient to ignore personal flaws and expect a date to take you exactly as you are, no effort involved. Obviously, this enables complacency and stagnation, because you are thinking of yourself as a finished product versus a work in progress. Our entire lives are built around continued learning and growing, and dating is no different!

So while it’s important to embrace what makes you you, you should also recognize that everyone has weaknesses and problems, including you. It’s not a date’s or a future spouse’s job to swallow flaws you don’t want to address. (And it’s not your job to swallow theirs, either!)

3. It clouds your dating judgment.

Put the previous two reasons together, and you have a recipe for an emotional roller coaster for every date who comes along. Thinking like this clouds your decision-making skills, since you are too worried about keeping a date’s approval, and/or expecting total acceptance on one or both sides. Your ability to make confident, clear, and mature decisions will be inhibited. No matter how many people you date, you’ll feel like you are hitting the accelerator and the brake at the same time. No matter how hard you push, you’re just spinning your tires and going nowhere!

So, you’ve thrown “be nice and be yourself” out the window. It’s simply not good dating advice. What replacement advice would push you toward success?

Try using the phrase, “be kind, and be a grown-up.” You might be surprised how much difference this simple phrase makes.

Why is this good dating advice? Five basic reasons:

1. Being kind trumps being nice, every time.

No, “kind” and “nice” are not synonymous! Being kind means respecting yourself and others and acting in charity, whereas being nice means not offending anyone. See the difference? Being nice often translates to avoiding conflict or disagreement to make the other person happy, and this leads to not discussing important topics or ignoring red flags.

Being kind means you can talk about important things, because even if you find a conflict or disagreement, you can handle the discussion without any explosions. You can be a kind Catholic dater who is firm in his beliefs and knows what he wants. And by kindly acting in charity, you can express these things to your dates in an appropriate, non-angry way.

2. Being a grown-up is more important to other singles than personality quirks.

Singles dating for marriage are usually looking first for someone ready for a serious relationship, and second for a great personality match. Yes, you need both for a good marriage, but this is typically the order of dating events. (More on being a grown up in a minute.)

Typically, being a grown-up means a single is ready for a serious relationship. Contrast this to merely “being yourself,” where a single’s personality/emotions take center stage, and he hasn’t worked to be ready for a relationship. He won’t be ready for commitment, even if the right person comes along! Especially in online dating, this is why singles look for grown-up behavior first, and personality second.

3. This advice naturally leads you to improve yourself instead of stagnating.

Where being nice/yourself can hold you back through the idea of “this is just who I am,” you should instead be looking at how to improve yourself. Remember how we talked about being a grown-up? Improving yourself often starts in building good grown-up skills singles will see and go, “oh look, marriage material!”

Singles often look for big things like a job, career plan, or knowing religious values in a date. They also might look for smaller things like good manners, self-discipline, or financial know-how. If you are working to be a grown-up, and therefore a good spouse, you’ll naturally attract more dates and be more ready to commit to the right person.

4. There is still PLENTY of room to be yourself!

There’s also still room to simply be nice when the occasion calls for it, too. Being kinder and working on basic grown-up skills will only make you better, without taking anything away from who you are as a person.

Who wouldn’t want to be a kinder version of themselves? Who isn’t looking for a future spouse who’s mature instead of complacent? Wouldn’t you like to feel more confident and decisive in the dating world, instead of worrying whether dates think you’re “nice” enough?

5. This advice turns rejection from something personal to something objective.

This is VALUABLE. If you’re simply trying to be nice and be yourself, it’s easy to take every rejection as a personal offense or a personal failure. But, if you are going about dating being a kind grown-up, a rejection is simply acknowledging that this was not your person. It doesn’t mean you won’t be a little hurt or even sad, but it does mean you won’t sit around sulking or whining. You can be kind to the person rejecting you, and move forward confidently because you know your dating value doesn’t depend on what each date thinks.

In conclusion, yes, be yourself. And be kind. And be a grown-up! You need all three to be a great dater, and eventually, a great spouse.

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