It’s the dirty dishes in the sink that make you cringe. It’s tripping over someone’s shoe in the entryway and shouting an expletive. It’s coming home from a long day and just wanting to rest, only to discover that your roommate has five friends over and they’re singing Shania Twain karaoke.
If you’ve lived with roommates or housemates, you’ve probably had some of these experiences. But you’ve probably contributed your own share of irritations too.
I know I’m not innocent of roommate crimes. If my current roommates read this they’ll have a long list, and maybe even question if I’m qualified to write such an article. And I’m not. We’re all broken, sinful human beings, and when we try to live together and love each other, we often fail. Our rough edges rub up against the other person’s like sandpaper.
Anytime you live in community with others, there are bound to be conflicts and annoyances.
But guess what? Marriage is just the same. (Probably. I have no experience and am unqualified to write about that too.) Living with roommates during this season of our lives can be a helpful preparation to get out of our selfishness.
Growing up as an only child, I was never used to waiting on anyone to do anything. My life ran on my timeline. Even in college, I lived with roommates but had independence and flexibility. Then I became a missionary in Denver and moved into a small space with 21 other young people. There were four of us girls sharing a room, and 13 girls sharing a bathroom. My whole world changed.
And it's not always easy to accommodate others and adjust your own timeline.
If we wanted to go out to dinner, it was waiting for everyone to be ready, then waiting for the restaurant to have a table big enough for our entourage. When we went out for our daily walks around downtown to minister to the homeless, it was waiting for 14 others to pile into our giant white passenger van. Making plans took time, people getting ready took time, everything took more time than I was used to.
This nearly killed me. But then I grew. I slowly improved on learning to compromise, on learning to do what the others wanted to do, on waiting somewhat patiently.
My tendency is to fall back into wanting things on my timeline, slowly drifting into a selfish and independent way of life. Living with others is a good way to pull me out of it. Of course, I can choose to grow or I can still chose selfishness.
Having roommates isn’t a recipe for growth, only an opportunity. I often choose to squander the moment by avoiding conflict, grumbling, and just getting by. But luckily there’s no shortage of opportunities, and I can wake up the next morning and make a little step towards love.
But living with my spouse one day will also require me to accommodate him and be flexible.
In talking with my friends who are married, some were surprised at first at how difficult it was to live with their new spouse due to trivial habits and things that irritated them.
Maybe this is part of the appeal for those unmarried couples who live together first to “try things out.” While they may want to get a warning about a potential spouse’s weaknesses, it misses the point. Every human person is flawed. The goal is not to find someone who doesn’t snore, always takes out the trash, and never does anything that bothers us. It’s not about avoiding weaknesses, but learning how to love.
What if we started living with charity now?
What if we grew in patience now with that one roommate who doesn’t take out the trash, and learned how to address it in a calm, direct way without being passive-aggressive? What if we learned the valuable skills of communication, openness and respect now in a lower-pressure setting of housemates?
There will probably be dirty dishes in the sink during your marriage. There will definitely be kid’s shoes, toys and more strewn around the floor. One day, your new roommates may not be singing karaoke, but I’m sure they will wake you often in the middle of the night. If we learn to love in these small ways with those we live with, we’ll be that much more prepared to sacrifice for our future families.
