What’s Supposed to Happen After the Third Date?
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We talk a lot about how to get first and second dates here on CatholicMatch.
That’s kind of the point of online dating, right? As it should be! After what might feel like a hundred “dud” phone calls, video chats, or dates, you and another cute Catholic single finally click. So you go out a couple of times, and you really feel like there’s good potential here. It’s so exciting! But . . .
Now what? Obviously, it’s way too early to talk seriously about engagement, but you’re feeling like you’re past the small-talk, first-dates stage too. Maybe this going-steady phase is pretty new for you, or maybe it just feels different this time around because you’re with someone new. What is the protocol moving forward on your third, fourth, fifth, and so-on dates? What should you be focusing on in this stage of the relationship? What is the purpose of these dates and how can you set yourself up for success with them?
Let's start by covering three crucial elements you should be focusing on in the going-steady phase:
Actions speak louder than words.
This is the time to discover if your significant other is who they say they are, and the same in reverse. Are you both living how you say you do? The first few dates are usually centered around conversation and building connections. You find common ground, communicate about who you are as people, and see how your ideas and expectations compare.
On subsequent dates, it’s time to watch whether actions line up with those words. Is he living as chastely as he said, or is there a pornography issue going on? Does she actually attend Mass and is she involved at her parish? Does he open the door and pay for dates, or is chivalry just a word to him? Does she have good manners to everyone, not just you?
Discuss exclusivity and expectations.
There’s no “right” time to talk about becoming an exclusive couple. Often, people start considering it somewhere around the third or fourth date, which is perfectly reasonable. Along with determining whether you want to pursue just this one relationship, it’s important to talk about what this relationship is going to look like, too.
Maybe you live far apart and have to hammer out some expectations of how often you’ll video chat and who can travel where, and when. Perhaps one of you wants to show up together at family Christmases, but the other person thinks it’s too soon. Maybe one of you hopes to see a spiritual director together well before engagement is even on the table! Whatever your individual situation may be, it’s a good time to discuss your thoughts, plans, and determine together how you want to keep dating (if at all!)
Spend time in many contexts.
Any relationship which is near exclusivity, or already is exclusive, will benefit from extending into other contexts. Those first few dates are usually the two of you in a few different coffee shops, out walking, or going to dinner. If you’ve both determined you want to take this relationship to the next level, it’s time to branch out! As your dates tally up, start meeting the important people in each other’s lives, such as parents, siblings, and best friends. Bring each other as plus-ones to business events, weddings, and social gatherings. Participate in each other’s volunteer lives or ministries, and visit each other’s parishes.
Being intentional about bringing this relationship into other aspects of your life serves many purposes:
- Family and friends can and should weigh in with their feedback on your new sweetie
- You as a couple get a real feel for each other’s daily lives and lifestyles
- You see what day-to-day life looks like for and with the other person involved
- As a couple, you can start learning what your ideas and expectations are if you continue this relationship
How do you set yourselves up for success during this stage of romance?
1. Go in with a game plan.
You don’t need to make a Google spreadsheet with notification systems just to set up a meet-the-parents dinner. But you should definitely have an idea what areas in your life your significant other should be included. For couples who meet in “normal” life, such as at school or work, this often happens very organically, because they share a context to begin with. It’s less clear cut for online couples, which is why a game plan of some sort keeps you from feeling lost or overwhelmed.
Maybe you want to start with meeting the parents, then move on to an office party, and work your way slowly up to an extended family event. Whatever makes sense for you!
2. Take your time.
Time will not hurt the right relationship, so there is no rush. The going-steady phase of romance is supposed to be an individualized relationship, not an Advent-calendar of tasks to check off. If you’re desperate to have a good rule of thumb, here’s the most common one I’ve heard: date exclusively for at least 3 months or longer.
I personally would advise upping this number to at least 6 months for couples who meet online. Why? You don’t often have a shared history of friendship, working together, studying in the same group, etc. Extra time dating will help fill in those blanks. (I have already written a post on when you should be talking about marriage, by the way.)
3. Don’t be afraid to end it.
Many times, relationships hit major issues when you’re dating exclusively. It is not a failure to break up at this point. Dating seriously is still several steps away from marriage vows! You might discover major religious differences, life expectations, or hidden vices which derail your hopes for this romance going the distance.
If that happens, trust God, your trusted friends, and also your gut. If this relationship isn’t leading you closer to Christ, or your nearest and dearest are trying to warn you about something, or if it just feels off, there’s probably a good reason. Sometimes it takes a lot of time and a lot of dates to discover it.
Dating is an individualized game.
So wherever you are in the process, whether single and mingling or ready to tie the knot, take your own romance at its own pace. Invite God into the entire process, and do your best to center your life on Him. This will set you up for finding the right people and dating well, and find the end He has in store for you!
Find Your Forever.
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