How to Start on the Right Foot with Potential In-Laws
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In-laws. The term makes some people smile and a lot of people cringe.
I am someone who smiles—I consider myself lucky to have incredible in-laws who welcomed me with open arms and with whom I would be comfortable going out to a long dinner just them and I without my husband! However, when it comes to dating and the possibility of joining your lives together in marriage, relationships with mothers and fathers-in-law can range from joyful to downright disastrous, and you never know what you are getting into by dating someone until you actually get into it. Oh, the possibilities!
The possibilities are endless, and yet, someone’s family history is a very important facet of what they bring to a marriage. Many people quip, “When you marry a person, you marry their family!” Whether or not everyone considers that to be true, setting off on a good foot with your potential in-laws is a very important part of any dating relationship. Here are a few of my best tips before you meet the parents, while you meet the parents, and after you meet them.
Before you meet.
Before your significant other meets your parents, unless they meet casually or by happenstance early on, it is important to be open and honest about where your relationship with your parents stand. Occasionally I watch the show 90 Day Fiancé, and on a recent episode of the show, an engaged couple went to visit the man’s mom a few states over—yet he had not revealed to his fiancé that his mom was a struggling alcoholic and that this was why he was estranged from her.
This young woman did not find this information out until she was there, and not only was it confusing, it was troubling to the young woman as to why her fiancé had not been open about this facet of his life before they had even gotten engaged.
Your family may range from wonderful to extremely broken, but it is important to be as open as possible, as the person who is right for you will love you and stand by your side even in the midst of a family landscape you may be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
During the meeting.
Maybe it’s Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe it’s a double date. Maybe it’s a Christmas party. Maybe it’s at a football game. Maybe you’re meeting his parents together, perhaps you are meeting step-parents, too.
It’s natural to be nervous and desire to make a good impression, but the best impression you can make is authenticity. Wherever you meet these people, the most important thing you can do is breathe and be yourself.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you some things about their parents' lives in advance, whether it’s about their interests, hobbies, or work, bring those things up. Ask thoughtful questions, and try to enjoy having a conversation without overthinking all of your answers or what they may be thinking of you.
If you are the person with the parents who are present, make sure to take the lead. Don’t sit back and rely on your significant other to keep the conversation rolling—ease some of the burden that comes with the nerves for them.
You are the only person who knows all the other people in this scenario, and you can be a great help in making everyone comfortable and helping everyone to enjoy the meeting!
After the meeting.
Now you’ve met. The hard part is over...and yet it has just begun. Some people will want you to cultivate an ongoing relationship with their parents—maybe he wants you to strike up a conversation every once in a while with his mom if you’ve been dating seriously for a while.
Maybe you’re both so relieved that the meeting is out of the way because you can’t stand your parents, and if you marry one another you’ll be obligated to see them once a year and have no communication with them at all other times.
Maybe he’s envisioned his whole life that his future wife would be great friends with his mother—but you’ll never know of his dream unless he tells you.
So talk about what your expectations are regarding in-laws, and what is realistic in light of those expectations. Speak with clarity and really listen to what the other person’s expectations may be. Talking about this with clarity from the beginning can start you off on a great foot in your relationship with one another, especially if that relationship does lead to you making vows to one another and marrying into one another’s beautiful, messy family dynamic for all the days of your lives.
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