Fighting Vice in Your Relationships

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These first few months of the new year are the time when people make and share resolutions.

They’re saying they’ll go to the gym more. Budget their money better. Buy a plant. Eat more vegetables. Call their mom more frequently. Generally, I love the idea of resolutions. We are all called to better ourselves. The issue I have with them, though, is that these plans are incredibly superficial. They scratch the surface. Do you ever wonder why these aspirations last about two weeks and then die? Because they don’t get to the root of the problem. 

One fundamental teaching of the Catholic Church is the idea that man is fallen. This is also perhaps the most ignored teaching. Rather than face our weakness, we prefer to pretend to be in control of ourselves. Humans don’t like to admit that there’s something wrong with them. Through Baptism, we know we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God, but there remain certain consequences of sin. These consequences include things like suffering, illness, and death.

The Catechism also teaches that there remains an inclination to sin, and this is what Tradition calls concupiscence. Man is to wrestle with concupiscence throughout his life. We are to be tempted to do things that we shouldn’t. Concupiscence cannot harm us if we don’t consent to our fallen nature. Unfortunately, man does not always have the grace needed to resist.  

The Catechism says, “Sin creates a proclivity to sin.”

This means that when we sin, we are more likely to do it again and again and again. Repeating the same offensive acts is what results in vice. This is why our resolutions don’t work. Going to the gym is one act to fight the consequences of gluttony or sloth, but it does not fight the vice itself. The Catholic Church distinguishes between vice, which is a habit of sin, and the sin itself, which is an individual morally wrong act. Vice creates a clouded conscience that corrupts our good judgment of good and evil and leads us away from God’s will.

It is particularly important to combat vice in regards to relationships because when we have fallen into vice, we are not ourselves. Sin wounds the nature of man and in this way, vice leads him to act and think in ways he wouldn’t normally. In healthy relationships, the couple is striving to do God’s will and they are working towards helping one another to battle temptation and to live virtuously. In a vice-ridden relationship, the couple is often quick to blame others for failings and hiding parts of their lives from each other.

It is impossible to have a healthy, Catholic relationship when one or both individuals repeatedly consent to the same immoral acts, over and over again. Fighting vice is a new kind of resolution. These next three steps will help you and your significant other fight off man’s fallen nature and live a happy, virtuous life together. 

Step 1: Find the root. 

The first step to overcoming vice is to first zone in on exactly what the tendency is. If you struggle to be happy for your boyfriend when he receives a great job offer, then you may have a tendency towards envy. If you’re quick to anger when your girlfriend messes up, then you might have to combat wrath. By finding the root of your sins, you are able to know where your shortcomings are and what particular virtues you are weak in.

Finding the root requires deep meditation, prayer, and examination of conscience. To overcome sinful habits, it is important to know oneself, and the best way to do this is to sit in the presence of God and let Him speak to you. It’s important to keep in mind that there can be overlap in your tendencies. For instance, the vice of pride is involved directly and indirectly in all sins. Some sins have many roots, but by locating them, you can work to dig them up. 

Step 2: Put up defenses. 

Here is when you actively work to overcome your vice by cultivating corresponding virtues. Defenses are virtues. If you struggle with pride, you must work to be more humble. If you suffer from lust, then you can overcome this by cultivating chastity. Practice charity to fight greed and temperance for gluttony. Growing in virtue is difficult, but with time, virtue (literally) becomes second nature. The goal is for you to immediately act out of virtue without even struggling with the temptation to act viciously in the first place.

There is a perfect path to virtue and that is the path of prayer. It is the path of receiving the sacraments, particularly reconciliation. As mentioned before, sin leads to more sin and so it is dangerous to remain in the state of sin, for you are far more vulnerable there. Receive the Eucharist, avoid times or settings of temptation, and seek occasions of virtue. Each virtue is practiced differently, but generally, acts of selflessness will always lead to the virtue that you seek to grow in.

Overcoming vice often requires you to die to your base desires, especially when they are not in accord with your significant other’s well-being. By putting up defenses against sin, you can work to tear down your habit of vice. 

Step 3: Do not let your guard down.

It is great to know what sin you must fight and what virtues you must cultivate, but overcoming vice takes time and dedication. Cultivating virtue is actually a lifelong commitment and after some time, it can be easy to allow yourself back into the cycle of sin. Always remain vigilant, for Satan knows to attack when you are weak.

The surest way to remain on guard is to make a habit of your practices. Make a habit of daily Mass, weekly confession, and daily examination of conscience. Make a habit of praying throughout the entire day, not just in the morning and at night. This can be a great thing to do with your significant other and it can be good for you to hold each other accountable. Do not let your guard down. 

Overcoming vice can be incredibly freeing because vice chains you to act in a certain way. With these three steps, you and your significant other can grow closer to each other, as well as closer to God. You will find that when you fight vice, you also fight every consequence of it. This resolution is the greatest resolution, for it fights fallen nature itself. The greatest act of love was death on the cross, a total death to self. In living virtuously, man learns to live for others and he is capable of a great love.

By overcoming vice, a couple can learn to love one another perfectly, in accordance with their will and the will of God. 

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