Gentlemanly behavior.
When you were young, your dad may have told you (or your brother, in the case of our female readers), “Be a gentleman and hold the door for your mother.” You’ve probably also grown up hearing the saying “Ladies first.” Or maybe you’ve run a Google search—like I just did in writing this article—for “What is a true gentleman?” and Google gave you this rather boring result: “A true gentleman is always polite and courteous.”
From experiences like these, most of us have developed the sense that a gentleman is simply a man who “does nice things.” A gentleman is agreeable, we think. A gentleman is “by the book.” A gentleman is old-fashioned. Some men even think the concept of gentlemanly behavior is all about worn-out customs and conventions.
Worse still, others think a gentleman is, in the end, just a pushover.
Not surprisingly, many men today don’t see the appeal of being this “weak” or “gentle” sort of man— for these types, there’s nothing inspiring about “weakness” or “gentleness,” after all. And it certainly won’t appeal to women, they think.
On the other hand, you have some men who understand that there is something Christian and noble about being a gentleman, but, suffering from the same misunderstanding as the first group, they think that in order to be a gentleman they have to act mild, weak, and, well, like a bit of a milksop. And that, friends, is the last kind of man the world needs right now (and also the last kind of man most women would want to marry). Today more than ever, we need strong men, men of courage and conviction—to put it simply, men with backbones.
So how do we reconcile the idea of gentlemanly behavior with the idea of strength and virile masculinity? Aren’t they a bit contradictory?
Let’s make one thing clear right away: a true gentleman is not weak.
Let me give an example. Close to 3,000 years ago, the Greek poet Homer wrote one of the foundational works of Western literature and civilization: The Iliad. In some ways, it’s a very macho poem, dealing with war, combat, honor, bloodshed, and glory. But it also contains one of the first and best sketches of a true gentleman in the character of Hector.
The poem is set during the Trojan War, and Hector is the greatest Trojan warrior, fighting to defend his home, his city, and his family from the attacking Greeks. Hector is a terror on the battlefield, singlehandedly destroying the foremost Greek warriors, and at one point almost driving them from Troy altogether.
But Hector is more than just a formidable fighter. He’s also a family man. Listen to this description of Hector coming home and reuniting with his wife and son. He’s all begrimed with battle, still warm from his war rage, but he becomes immediately gentle and loving in the presence of his beloved family:
She [his wife] joined him now, and following in her steps
A servant holding the boy against her breast,
In the first flush of life, only a baby,
Hector’s son, the darling of his eyes
and radiant as a star…
The great man of war breaking into a broad smile,
his gaze fixed on his son, in silence…
…shining Hector reached down
for his son…And…laughed,
[Andromache] laughed as well, and glorious Hector,
quickly lifting the helmet from his head,
set it down on the ground, fiery in the sunlight,
and raising his son he kissed him, tossed him in his arms,
lifting a prayer to Zeus and the other deathless gods…
So Hector prayed and placed his son in the arms of his loving wife.
Andromache pressed the child to her…
smiling through her tears. Her husband noticed,
and filled with pity now, Hector stroked her gently,
trying to reassure her.
(Homer, The Iliad, trans. Robert Fagles, Book 6, Lines 471-480, 562-579)
Andromache is terrified that her beloved Hector will die in battle, and he tries to reassure her, but he also sees it as his duty to keep fighting. Why? Ultimately, for her and for their son. He fights to keep them safe. He has the capacity for violence, ferocity, and intense competition, but he controls those impulses perfectly, using them only to defend that which he loves. In the presence of his wife and son, he is exquisitely gentle, as the passage above describes.
So, I would argue that Hector is a true gentleman, surprising as that may sound.
That doesn’t mean he’s weak. No one who’s read The Iliad could think that. It doesn’t mean he just does “nice things” for people (combat, after all, is not “nice”). It means that he controls the more dangerous parts of his nature, unleashing them only when there is a just cause, such as to protect his wife and child.
He would never dream of allowing his harsher, competitive side to be directed toward his wife or even towards his friends. But the capacity for unleashing such tendencies exists in him. That’s part of being a real man.
In other words, we can see from the example of Hector that to be a gentleman, one must first be a man. Part of the masculine nature is a tougher, more competitive, more dangerous side. But the gentleman knows how to direct those impulses solely towards good goals (more on this in a minute).
And even though Andromache fears for Hector when he’s out fighting, it is both his dominance on the battlefield on the one hand and his gentleness at home on the other that makes her care so much for him. The first part of his character shows that he’s a man. The second part shows that he is a gentle-man.
Dominance versus non-dominance.
Modern science backs up Homer on this depiction of Hector and Andromache’s relationship (Homer was a pretty wise fellow after all). A 2008 study conducted by Jeffrey Snyder, Lee Kirkpatrick, and H. Clark Barrett on women’s attitudes toward male dominance found that women prefer dominant men over non-dominant men. No surprise there.
What was more surprising was that women only preferred men who were dominant in certain contexts. “Women displayed preferences for high dominance only within the context of male–male competitions” (437). And even then, women did not prefer men who tried to dominate their male friends and teammates, but only the men who were able to assert themselves over “outgroup” men, for example, members of the opposing football team.
To put it simply, women do not respect men who show aggression either towards women or towards their male peers, but only men who are dominant over threatening males and in the proper context, such as a sports event.
To connect this to The Iliad for a moment, Andromache would not have appreciated it if Hector kept acting like he was on the battlefield even when at home with her. On the other hand, women are decidedly not attracted to submissive men (the milksops)—Andromache would not have liked Hector to act all lovey-dovey towards the Greeks who were trying to kill her.
Think of the Medieval knight who went about protecting the needy. He was always courteous to everyone, even his enemies, but he was certainly not “nice” to those enemies if they tried to act on their evil intentions. He had a backbone.
So we see that men should be (and are most attractive when) they have the capacity to show force, but they choose to do so only in the right setting, to achieve a proper goal.
What are some proper goals where the more competitive side of masculinity can be shown?
Here are a few examples of how a man can direct these energies: achieving success in a career, fighting against his own weaknesses and temptations, combatting the spirit of the world, standing up for his principles and beliefs, protecting his country and loved ones from threats, whether spiritual, emotional, or physical.
Incidentally, the mainstream concept of “toxic masculinity” is really a misnaming of the problem of male impulses. It is not masculinity or masculine traits of aggression, competition, and dominance that are toxic. Society actually needs men with those characteristics in order to flourish. It is only misused masculinity that is toxic, i.e., when those traits are uncontrolled or when they are directed toward selfish ends.
God gave men many of those traits, but they are only to be used in a spirit of self-sacrifice and for the good of others.
The concept of the gentleman is time-honored in the west.
It begins with Homer and flows into the Medieval concept of chivalry and down to our own day. We need to revive this ideal, properly understood.
To myself and my fellow men (and believe me, I have plenty of room for growth), I would urge you, be men—that is, fully develop your masculine nature. But also, be gentle—that is, have perfect control over those more formidable parts of your nature, showing respect and kindness to all, and directing those masculine energies toward worthwhile ends.
And hold open the door for women, just like Dad used to tell you to.
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