Slow Things Down So They Can Actually Go Somewhere
15
"I don't think we should talk for a week."
Hearing him say those words sent my heart plummeting. Though I heard what he said objectively, based on my interpretation and personal reaction he might as well have said, "I want nothing to do with you" or "don't call me, I'll call you."
I felt completely and utterly rejected.
How could slowing down possibly be good? How could not talking help us get to know one another better? His logic sounded pretty stupid to me! All of my previous dating experience pointed to the fact that speed equates interest. I like you; therefore, I want to spend more time with you! Similarly, the opposite must be true too, right? I don't think we should talk, therefore I don't like you. It's not that far-fetched!
As I often do when I find myself freaking out over anything and everything in life, I had to talk to myself from the perspective of a "completely objective third party individual with no personal interest in the matter" (She's the Man... anyone?).
What did he actually say?
"I don't think we should talk for a week."
What did he not say? "I don't want to talk to you."
Ok, fair enough. Are there any reasons besides being uninterested that could be prompting his decision for a week-long communication fast? Yes.
I was struck once again by the reality that so often, what I want isn't what I need, and taking it one-step further, sometimes what I want is even detrimental for me.
Here's the perfect example: I just met an amazing man who is everything and a side of chips, and apparently he must have noticed that my lunch special comes with a less-glamorous side (something more along the lines of a bruised apple), and therefore he doesn't want it. I told myself "I knew it was too good to be true." However, I was so wrong, and boy did that week without talking help me to see that (and yes, in case you were wondering, I survived and lived to tell the tale).
I got a major reality check that I am getting to know a human.
Though I will still argue that this guy is pretty darn amazing, even he has a few bruises and imperfections (okay, a lot of them!). So what did this week provide for me? A major reality check that I am getting to know a human being. Creating some space from the relationship allowed me the room to return to reality, at least a little bit, and reminded me that I wanted to get to know him from him, and not from what my whirlwind of emotions was making him out to be.
It gave me some space to think about why I liked him and where I was drawing those reasons from—were they from things he told me, situations that I witnessed in context, or from my own interpretations? The truth was a bit of each! And while I think it's impossible to ever be completely objective about a cute boy you're really interested in, it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive to fight our way through the infatuation to at least have a decent chance of landing somewhere remotely close to reality.
Lead foot Lizzie's approach isn't always the right one.
Unlike previous relationships, my experience with this man has shown me that there is wisdom in naturally following the process rather than immediately pushing down on the accelerator with a lead foot. As much as I didn't want to not talk for a week, and as much as I still at times wish were further ahead on the route than we are, I see now that his suggestion is proof of his wisdom. Be happy with the season you're in, for each one serves a purpose.
Is it normal to be slightly obsessed and caught up in the clouds when you first meet someone you really like? Of course! Is it wrong? Not necessarily. I've often heard it said that we need elements of infatuation, otherwise no one would dare enter into something as hard as dating and marriage relationships. But trust me, that daydream-like existence regarding your feelings for the other person isn't going to go away just because you don't talk everyday (or even every 7 days).
Every relationship is different, and what works for one couple with their individual and unique temperaments and personalities will undoubtedly not be the best thing for a different couple with a whole new set of quirks and habits, but the point I would like to make is that, contrary to the movies, time is not a bad thing.
Let's take time to smell the roses together.
I’m so grateful that this man had the courage to slow things down, because I definitely would not have, but just as how oftentimes what I want isn’t what I need—in this case, what I needed wasn’t what I wanted. Though speed isn’t inherently wrong (sometimes you know where you’re going and you just gotta get there!), the good thing about a slower pace is that you enjoy things you wouldn’t have otherwise noticed because you’re actually present enough in the moment to see them.
And when you’re with someone amazing, don’t you want to notice all of those things?! And learn about those things from them?! When you do, the reality of the person is even better than what I could have created it to be. That’s exactly what I need, and now, it’s what I want too.
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