How to Talk About Porn With Your Date
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You know how prevalent pornography is today. I don’t think I need to expound upon the temptations and addictions for both men and women. (I use “he” in this article for simplicity.) What we don’t know so much about is how to actually ask your significant other if they use pornography, and what to do if the answer is “yes.”
When and how do you ask about pornography?
The longer you wait, the harder it will be to bring up.
I asked my fiancé on our second date. My sister asked when she and her boyfriend became serious. If you’re engaged and haven’t discussed it, recall the old adage “better late than never.” You can ask tactfully, but don’t leave room for ambiguity—you don’t want to be confused about the answer. It’s awkward to talk about, yes, but it’s better to be awkward than unaware. You might think it’s silly to ask, because your date is such a great person. But good people can hide a serious problem because they’re ashamed, they’re afraid, or they don’t want to lose you.
How do you respond if the answer is “yes?”
One man I know, upon opening up about his struggles, got this from his date: “You can’t love someone when you’re doing that.” If there’s one thing you shouldn’t say to someone with a painful addiction, it’s THAT.
Instead, react with care and support. Don’t tell him to “just stop.” Would you tell someone with depression to “just stop?” Of course not. Remind him this addiction doesn’t make him evil, that he’s not alone, and that there is hope. Don’t dismiss your own feelings, either—you might feel like a wall has sprung up between you two.
You’re hurting and think you’re at an impasse. Should you break up? Should you stay together? A good friend of mine likes to think about this like a traffic light.
If your date already overcome his addiction and has properly worked through any underlying issues: Green light = GO!
Is your date talking about a pornography problem he’s already overcome? Did he recognize his addiction was a band-aid covering a different issue like anxiety, and took the necessary steps to heal?
If your significant other is well clear of pornography and properly working through underlying issues, you can congratulate him on a job well done. Though relapse is always a danger, he’s well prepared and knows what to do if it happens. You do need to remember that we are all sinners, and we all have issues in our past. It’s how we deal with them that really matters.
Whether you’re casually dating, dating seriously, or even engaged, if your significant other has already dealt with this type of addiction and come through wiser and stronger, you can probably safely continue your relationship.
If your date is moving in the right direction, but maybe isn't there yet: Yellow light = SLOW DOWN.
Is he currently dealing with this addiction, and taking steps toward recovery? Does he know he has a problem but doesn’t know where to start?
If so, he’s moving in the right direction, but he’s not there yet. Something you two may want to consider is to “pause” the relationship. Assuming your date is seeking help and in a place of progress, not stagnancy, you don’t have to throw in the towel if you don’t want to. If you’re just a few dates in, maybe you both keep “playing the field” until the addiction is under control. If you’re exclusive, you could set a realistic timeframe of how long you’ll remain as-is while recovery is happening, and reconsider after counseling. If you’re engaged, you might consider delaying the wedding to allow for appropriate healing.
Finally, don’t pretend you are all he will need to recover. You are only one person and can’t serve as an accountability group, a counselor, and an entire support system.
If your date doesn't think pornography is a problem or won't take responsibility for his actions: Red light = STOP!
Does he think pornography isn’t a problem? Does he justify himself because “he has needs?” Is he saying he’s working on it but has yet to start changing? He may not understand addiction, doesn’t take responsibility, or won’t walk the hard road of healing.
Whatever the reason, he is not ready to be in a relationship yet. Period. You might think he just needs a good woman to show him the way—bad idea. Do not mistake saving a relationship for having a savior complex. You cannot save him. He has to save himself, and he can’t do that until he takes responsibility for the problem.
Usually the best thing for you and for him is to end the relationship, no matter how close to marriage you are. Gently explain your reasons, say you believe he can come back from this, and if you want, give him permission to call you again when he’s recovered. Then walk away.
Finally, in any of these situations, it’s imperative to address your own well-being.
If this is a serious relationship or engagement, you might want to think about finding a support group, seeing a therapist, or doing couples counseling. Just because you’re not the one with a pornography problem doesn’t mean you’re not affected.
Talk to your significant other about it, pray together, and decide what you need to do. Remember, you don’t have to date the person with an addiction, but you do have to love that person, as we are supposed to love everyone. There is hope, there is healing, we just have to seek it out with Christ.
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