Stop Listening to These Dating "Rules"

Everybody's got their own set of rules about dating —Catholics more than anybody.

We do love our rules.

But when it comes to dating there is only one true rule. Thou shalt not sin. People think this is no fun, but actually it keeps you from making huge mistakes and sets you up for a happy marriage. Sin of any kind is bad for dating and bad for marriage. Sin makes you suffer and that's not fun.

What does The Bible say about dating? It turns out quite a lot. But guess what, other than "Thou shalt not sin" there are no real rules about dating!

Everything is up for grabs. Therein lies the fun.

But first let's examine the rules themselves. What are they and where do they come from?

Rules about dating are really expectations, ideals, hopes, and cultural preferences. All of these are fine if they give you something to go on, a starting place.

Yet there are people who sit on their hands waiting for someone to come along who does everything the way that corresponds to their expectations, hopes, ideals, and cultural preferences. Alas, they shoot themselves in the foot! By the way, it may seem impossible to sit on your hands and simultaneously shoot yourself in the foot but I assure you, it can be done. And it's just as paralyzing as it sounds.

Here are three of the most common "rules" that hold people back.

#1: Online dating means you're a loser.

First of all, can we all admit that "online dating" is not dating? It is online meeting. No, not even that. It is online introducing. After introducing yourselves to one another online, you find a way to meet and go on a real-life date. When you get to that point, you are just like every other dating couple out there. Trust me, when you are sitting across from each other all dressed up at a quaint restaurant you won't be thinking—what losers!

Where this rule comes from: Targeted spouse hunting is really embarrassing.

What to remember: Introductions to the opposite sex are often awkward. At least this is private and not in front of your mother or something.

#2: A woman can't make the first move.

If you are one of those women who shies away from making the first contact, it might help if you imagine the experience as a real-time introduction. When you are in person, can you say hi to a man before he says hi to you? Of course. Can you sit down across from him at work or a barbeque and strike up a conversation? Why not?

These interactions happen all the time in everyday situations. So why should there be a rule against them when it comes to online introductions?

Where this rule comes from: Women want to be pursued; men want to pursue.

What to remember: Saying hello, striking up a conversation, or even how about coffee is not pursuing a man. It is simply letting a man know you are interested in him. Most guys love the encouragement.

#3: If I don't feel attracted right away, I won't ever be.

I blame the movies for this one. Here's a well-worn formula: Two gorgeous people meet and are attracted to each other but at least one thinks the other is a jerk. The physical attraction keeps them interested anyway and eventually they find out that the other person is a good person and they fall in love. Cut. Fade out. The end. Call this formula: Attraction leads to love.

Actually, real love stories go more like this: Two people—gorgeous or not—meet and think the other person is a good person. Attraction may or may not be there. They get to know each other and attraction develops. Eventually, they fall in love. Call this formula: Love leads to attraction.

Where this rule comes from: an overdose of chick flicks.

What to remember: You fall in love with a whole person inside and out. Being a jerk makes you unattractive, no matter how good looking you are. Being a good person makes you attractive even if you're as plain as a post.

And now, for the fun.

For each and every one of these "rules" there is a happy story of someone who broke them and found their true love.

Desperate losers seeking other desperate losers? Here's a couple who went to the same church but never met until they got introduced through Catholic Match.

Women chasing men? Here's a saint who went beyond just saying hi and striking up a conversation. She told the guy she loved him!

No chemistry? Here's a whole post about now happily married couples who didn't feel that spark until they got to know each other better.

What do these couples have in common? They had ideals like other people, but they put the goal of getting married first before their personal rules about the process.

Maybe our concept of dating rules is really our insistence on our own wills. We want everything to go according to our plans. Did you ever hear the line: If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans? God designed true love to have an element of risk to it. That's how we grow and learn to trust him, and that's where the fun is.