Physical Attraction Doesn't Matter as Much as You Think It Does

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Yes, this is a highly debated topic, and one that pops up on the CatholicMatch forums all the time.

We need to stop making instant physical attraction a god of the dating world. If we don't, no one will get married.

I have seen men and women discuss in great length on the forums the importance of physical attraction. I have also seen the reaction to these articles from a few months back. And, I have heard both men and women say, "I'm sorry, but if I'm not attracted to someone right from the beginning, it won't work."

And there is, of course, truth to that. Sex is part of marriage, and as Catholics we believe it is a pretty darn important part of marriage at that. Thus, a prevailing thought that seems to run the physical attraction discussion is, why would you make sex a chore by marrying someone you're not attracted to?

Very fair. But.....

You can't expect sparks from the first moment you lay eyes on someone. And if you insist on this, you are doing yourself and your future spouse a disservice.

Yes, I believe you need a spark, chemistry, attraction, etc. in a relationship. You should definitely want to have sex with your spouse.

But, physical attraction, sexual attraction, the spark, palpable chemistry, whatever you want to call it....does not always happen right away. And if it does not come right away, that does not mean you are incompatible with someone. The "elusive spark" can still arrive with bells on later after the first date or even after the second or third.

And all of this is just as true when looking at profiles online. You read a profile of someone you see that you have a lot in common with, but then you don't reach out because you aren't jazzed about their looks.

Picture this.

You go on a date with someone who wants the same things from life that you do, but after your first date you don't "feel it." You don't have the magical butterflies you expected you would from Prince Charming. Or you kiss and it's weird. There are no fireworks.

Well...

That is NOT a reason to say no to a second date or to not ask her out again. Remember, the only purpose of a first date is to determine whether or not there will be a second date. That's it.

Legitimate reasons to say no to a second date: he/she is obviously not on the same page as you in most big life goals, he/she made you uncomfortable.

But just one meh date—he seems like a great guy—but you're just not particularly attracted? Not a legitimate reason to stop getting to know him.

I know this from my own experience.

Attraction grows. When I met my future husband, the first things I noticed were that he had a weird nose, big ears (I have big ears! I didn't want kids doomed to huge ears!) he was shorter than me, a little gangly, and only weighed a few pounds more than I did. He was not my vision of the big, tall man I was planning to marry. But as I got to know him, I loved that nose, and I didn't notice his height or weight as weird, they were just him. Him—the man who fascinated me. The man who brought me closer to Christ. The man I wanted to marry.

As you grow in love with someone, they become attractive to you. It happens! Have you ever met someone for the first time before getting to know them, and thought they looked strange? But then you don't think twice about their looks once you spend more time with them? The same thing can happen with physical attraction.

Don't just take it from me. Listen to Chris and Karen. Karen was not attracted to Chris at first, and then....it happened. One day she realized..."wow, he is really hot." Or how about Ben and Carly. She almost missed Ben because she limited her search to men over 5' 6". Or what about Tim and Libby? Libby did not have a good impression of Tim while they chatted online, but agreed to a date. Thank goodness she did!

Still worried about sex and attraction?

If you're not quite convinced, here's a quick reminder. Good sex doesn't depend on how much your significant other looks like an underwear model. (Even if society implies otherwise). Good sex depends on your relationship—the better your relationship (the more you communicate, the more vulnerable you are with each other), the better your sex will be.

Here's the great thing about the sacrament of marriage, and a commitment to monogamy in general: you only have to figure out sex with one person. And you're both in it for life, so you have time to get better at it.

That's why arranged marriages work. If you're both committed to making your marriage work, and are thus willing to sacrifice for the good of your spouse, you have the makings for long-term happiness.

All that is to say that in the end, yes, you will need to be attracted to your spouse. But that attraction may not overpower you, or even wave to you, at the beginning. And that's ok. Give it a few dates, and see what unfolds. Don't get so caught up in looking for immediate attraction and chemistry that you miss out on a spouse.

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