Is it really such a big deal?
Almost anyone who has ever been in love has felt the pull to spend the night with their boyfriend or girlfriend. It's late, you don't want to drive home, and it would be more convenient and more enjoyable just to sleep in the same bed. Serious Catholics—even Catholics who have weekly holy hours—can try to justify spending the night by saying they have the self-control to "not do anything."
Spending the night is even more tempting now in the midst of Covid-19 when many states have instituted stay-at-home orders. Fear of not seeing your significant other for weeks at a time might make quarantining together compelling, but it's not an option for Catholic couples.
What if we just sleep in the same bed?
This is an objection that a lot of couples will make. Yes, it is possible to spend the night sleeping in the same bed and not do anything sexual, but that doesn't make it right. While you haven't committed the worst sin possible in the situation, you've still sinned. Yes, you read that right. In a video for Accession Presents, Fr. Mike Schmitz emphatically says spending the night in the same bed as someone you're dating is a sin.
Here are four reasons why should sleep in your own bed at night, even if you think sleeping in the same bed isn't a big deal.
You’re putting yourself in a situation where you’re likely to commit a sin.
In fact, as Fr. Schmitz declares, "To intentionally enter into the near occasion of sin, is a sin.”
When you spend the night with someone you’re dating, you knowingly put yourself in a near occasion of sin. The proximity, the setting, and the lateness all lower inhibitions—even if you didn't intend for things to become sexual.
Even if you’re able to go sleep while just cuddling, it’s likely that you’ll wake up in the middle of the night and see someone you love laying in the bed next to you. At that point, your inhibitions will be even lower. As Fr. Schmitz points out, it’s natural at that point to feel like giving your loved one a sign of your affection, but it’s a situation where that’s likely to escalate. Respect and love each other enough to avoid that near occasion of sin.
"Clearly, lying down in the same bed overnight with the person that you're in love with opens up a lot of doors for some very serious things to happen," adds Fr. Schmitz.
It also changes the way the couple views each other. That level of intimacy creates a connection that moves the couple closer to sex, especially for men.
Fr. Schmitz explains, “A woman might be cuddling with a man and thinking ‘This is just so nice, this is just so sweet. I just like this moment. I don't need to do anything else.’ Meanwhile, the guy is going, like, ‘Whoa, OK, here we go! Hey, you just give me the sign and I'm ready to take to whatever level you want.’”
It’s scandalous, and that’s graver than you might think.
As faithful Catholics, you have a duty to model the correct behavior. By sleeping in the same bed, you risk letting others think that what you're doing is good and moral. This is what's called the sin of scandal.
“Now scandal isn't just like, ‘That's shocking,’ like, ‘I can't believe these people—they're shocking,’” explains Fr. Schmitz.
Scandal is more serious than that. It means living your life in such a way that it leads others to believe that your sinful actions are actually moral. If you are faithful Catholics but you spend the night together, then it leads other people to believe that it’s okay to sleep in the same bed as your significant other.
It doesn’t matter if they know that you aren’t “doing anything.” You have still led those people astray with your actions.
Anyone who knows you spend the night together now thinks "Well…they love Jesus. I know, I see how they follow after Him in all these other ways. This thing that's wrong must be fine."
While this might feel like an unfair burden to bear, Jesus makes it clear in the Bible that we are responsible for not leading our brothers and sisters in Christ astray.
In Mark 9:42, Jesus says, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe [in me] to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were put around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.”
Jesus takes the sin of scandal incredibly seriously—and sleeping in the same bed with your significant other constitutes the sin of scandal.
It’s something that should be saved for your spouse.
Faithful Catholics understand that sex should be saved for your spouse, but sharing a bed with someone you love is another intimate act that should be reserved for your spouse. This might feel like taking things too far, but anyone who has ever given into the sin of premarital sex will caution you against spending the night with your significant other.
There’s nothing inherently evil about sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex. Context does matter here. If it’s a situation where the power is out and you’d risk freezing to death in the middle of winter, then you should huddle together for warmth. However, that’s not the situation where couples spend the night—couples spend the night together because it would be more pleasurable and more convenient to sleep in the same bed rather than departing to their own homes.
“There's something incredibly and powerfully intimate about this that really, ultimately, should only be for your future spouse,” says Fr. Schmitz.
But I’m still not convinced.....
If you’re still not convinced, then take a second to think about how your favorite saint would respond if you told them that you spend the night with your significant other.
It’s incredibly hard to imagine Mother Theresa saying, “Oh. That’s wonderful!” And that’s because it’s not something she would say about couples spending the night together before marriage. Anyone who has studied the saints has to admit that they would caution against sleeping together as a grave occasion of sin.
The Holy Spirit is calling you to holiness, not pushing you out of the Church.
While this might be a difficult pill to swallow, it’s important to draw a line on intimacy during a dating relationship. Love should convict you to guard the heart and purity of your boyfriend or girlfriend—even if you’ve already shared a bed for the night. It’s never too late to dedicate yourself to chastity.
Fr. Schmitz assures, “The Holy Spirit convicting says, ‘OK, this is what you did, let me lead you to holiness, let me lead you to confession... You don't have to stay in the dark, you can come into the light and realize that you're worth loving—that you're still good even if you've made mistakes.’”
Watch the full video here:
