Four Steps to Finding Your Spouse

A single friend and I recently chatted about the pursuit of the perfect spouse, and the fact that no spouse—and no marriage—is perfect.

My friend was concerned that many people are single longer than they have to be because they pursue this marital unicorn. He suggested that people should settle for someone who would be a good spouse because one could search—or, if in a relationship currently, break up and try to “trade up”—for a lifetime and never find one’s “best” or “perfect” spouse.

[click_to_tweet tweet="Many people are single longer than they have to be because they pursue a type of 'marital unicorn.'" quote="Many people are single longer than they have to be because they pursue a type of 'marital unicorn.'"]

The discussion reminded me of when I had those concerns prior to getting married. As someone who had little luck with dating as a teenager, I always sought the perfect spouse. And with a shorter-than-average attention span, I was concerned that the “grass is greener” effect would be problematic in marriage.

Twenty-three months into marriage, these concerns are almost foreign to my mind.

I married an excellent woman—both objectively and specifically complementary with me—and the grass is definitely greener on my side of the fence despite many external challenges we have faced.

The conversation challenged me to think about why my marriage has worked so well. Part of it is God’s Grace, of course. But so much of it is our free will.

How did I find a great spouse in a world with over one billion Catholics? There may be one thousand or 10,000 possible good spouses for each person.

I realized that I used the following four steps:

1. Stick to my basic principles and values before dating someone. In my case my rules were no smoking, no excessive drinking, no drug use, must be generally fit, must be a practicing Catholic.

2. Once in the relationship, look for complementary characteristics. In my case—did the person talk as much as me? Did she hold me accountable morally and otherwise? Was she financially responsible?

3. If points 1 and 2 go well, make a well-reasoned, prayer-guided dynamic decision when the turning point arrives—is this person good for you or not? Specifically, my wife and I spent eight days traveling 1,500 miles by car for Thanksgiving 2017. Despite a diverse and busy few days, we had just four minutes of awkwardness—not a single fight or argument. There are 11,520 minutes in eight days. (Yes, I’m a former nerd.) Four minutes ain’t bad! It was then that I knew I wanted to marry her.

Everyone’s dynamic decision will be different. But a good decision will be based upon principles, complementarity, and prayer.

4. Finally, choose to make your pending marriage great. Love is an act of the will, and no more so than in marriage. On bad days, or tired days, or emotional days, I try to remind myself to see the best in my wife. I remind myself of all the good she has done for me and our daughter. And I use that to push the bad thoughts aside to make room for the good ones.

[click_to_tweet tweet="Choose to make your marriage great." quote="Choose to make your marriage great."]

Did I settle? Absolutely not. Did I choose to not continue a fruitless search for “The One”? Absolutely. And that’s the reality of a good marriage. There might be any number of great matches for me, but only one which I chose to be with because I knew we’d be really good together—and through God and each of our individual and combined decisions, we’d aim to be great.

Of course, that’s the final step in knowing you picked the right spouse. Shortly before our wedding, a mutual friend noted that God’s Permissive Will may actually turn two imperfect spouses into the best spouses for each other, because lifelong commitment means you have no other choice.

Sounds like a winning combination to me!

[click_to_tweet tweet="God’s Permissive Will may actually turn two imperfect spouses into the best spouses for each other, because lifelong commitment means you have no other choice." quote="God’s Permissive Will may actually turn two imperfect spouses into the best spouses for each other, because lifelong commitment means you have no other choice."]