Serendipidating: When the Grass Is Always Greener

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Remember the scene in the classic movie The Wizard Of Oz, when Dorothy first sets foot in the Land of Oz and is overwhelmed by all the color and beauty?

That’s not unlike the reaction I had the first time I opened a profile on CatholicMatch.

I was both amazed and excited at the possibilities the online dating portal had opened. According to a recent Huffington Post article about the trend of "serendipidating," I’m not the only one—but it's true that all this opportunity, if not handled correctly, can boomerang and deny us the very happiness we seek.

It’s easy to see where our excitement comes from. We click through profile after profile, everyone all spruced up and looking their very best for the carefully chosen pictures. You can combine that opportunity with a lot of dating advice that’s out there to “never settle.” It’s good advice—we shouldn’t be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship. But it can also go too far.

Even in the midst of this virtual bounty, are you looking for the elusive perfect profile?

Let’s say you’re browsing through profiles and you come across a prospect who looks nice, and “checks all the boxes” so to speak on what you’re looking for in terms of faith. But maybe the profile description of themselves seems a little blasé. Maybe, in the eight pictures they posted of themselves, there were one or two that you didn’t find all that great. Maybe the “interests” section was somewhat sparse in its information.

All of the above might well be reasons to give good attention to detail in your profile. But for our purposes here, none of those are reasons to avoid something as basic as sending an emotigram and seeing if a correspondence or maybe a phone conversation might happen. My guess is that most of you reading this probably agree. My other guess (because I’ve been guilty numerous times) is that, in the moment, with at least twenty profiles in front of you to read through, you just move on, looking for that elusive “perfect profile.”

Temptation to bail quickly continues when you begin interacting with someone and maybe even meeting them in real life. You get along well, there’s a reasonable level of physical chemistry and the basics of your future hopes seem to match up—or, at this early stage of the game, simply don’t conflict.

Finding the perfect match, even within the thousands of online profiles, isn't going to happen.

But then the first instances of each person showing something less than perfection. We aren’t talking about major red flags here, like a serious drinking problem or the presence of an ex. Just the little things that pop up that remind you relationships take work. Maybe one person or the other is in a grumpy mood after work when the other is ready for a light-hearted evening. Instead of sharing some laughs, there’s the need to provide some emotional support.

In the pre-online dating world, these situations aren’t threatening to a relationship. But now our minds have been altered by all those perfect pictures and alluring descriptions we’ve read from dating prospects around the world. The temptation is to move on to the next person, who will surely be that perfect spouse we’ve crafted in our minds. We probably sense that we’re buying into a lie. But all those picture-perfect images we’ve absorbed, to say nothing of all the time spent surfing online generally, have altered our minds to believe that perfection—or something very close to it—is at our fingertips.

But remember: finding perfection isn't the goal anyways.

It’s a very fine line that exists between settling and succumbing to a perpetual chase for greener pastures. That’s because this is one small spiritual battle in a fight over a much bigger question—are we on this earth to find some near-utopian state of happiness? Or are we here to sanctify our souls and be eternally happy with God in the world to come? Part of the latter is the hard work that comes with relationships, be they romantic or otherwise.

Walking that fine line is not easy. We know that God wants us to be reasonably happy in this life. By no means am I suggesting that you be with someone when you’re perpetually unhappy around them, tiptoeing on eggshells or otherwise feeling one small step from the insane asylum. Accepting the reality of our need for sanctification does not mean deliberately seeking out white martyrdom. But we have to understand when our desires for reasonable happiness have crossed a line and turned into a quest for something that awaits us in Eternity.

I write as one who has spent the better part of forty years looking for that greener grass, be it in relationships, geography or work.

Recently, I reached a point of realizing that I had arrived where I wanted to be and that it was just time to work through whatever challenges were ahead. That work would be the road to salvation. Deep down, I knew that I was home.

I don’t know where your home is or who it’s meant to be with. I know you’ll find it genuinely beautiful and feel a deep sense of contentment. But it will also contain mental dryness and fights against spiritual desolation. Time spent in prayer and consulting with a wise director will help you realize when your time to stop chasing greener pastures has come. When that happens, you won’t be settling—you’ll be settling down.

Find Your Forever.

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