Can You Really Settle for a Person?

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We all know that person who “settled” in their relationship.

We shake our heads in pity and think “she could do better than that guy” or “he’s way too good for her.” But contrary to popular opinion, “settling” has nothing to do with settling for a person, since people can’t be boxed into categories. That idea is just a straw man that distracts from the real issue.

The question is not am I settling for this person? The real question is, am I settling for something other than what God has planned? Practically speaking, in a relationship where someone seems to be “settling”, the issue is the reasons for being in that relationship in the first place. Watch for thoughts or statements along these lines:

“I’ve put in this much time, I hate to start over.”

“My friends are all getting married.”

“I’m not getting any younger.”  

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“I just want to be married and have a family.”

“What if nothing better comes along?”

Notice that these insecurities have nothing to do with the quality of the significant other.

(Seeing a trend here?) “Settling” actually means, in some way, that a person isn’t trusting God with his or her romantic life. Instead, they are trying to justify a relationship that is less than His design. Maybe this is happening to you, or you suspect it’s happening to your date. In either case, try asking yourselves four simple questions:

  1. Would I leave this person if someone better comes along? We’re starting simple and blunt. Answering “no” means you value this person beyond just a Facebook status. Answering “yes” is an explanation in itself. If you would take off with a new sweetie who’s prettier, makes more money, or whatever, that’s a bad sign. Whatever the reason, mission abort! End the relationship immediately. Do you really want your significant other to be just an alternative to solitude, or a placeholder until someone else comes along? Would you want to be that for them? Of course not. 
  2. Am I telling myself or someone else any of the negative statements we listed earlier?  If you find yourself using the excuses of age, fear, loneliness, etc., as reasons to stay together, you’re definitely settling for less than God has in mind. Hit pause on the dating button and take a break from the relationship. If your mindset is still geared toward “what can I get out of this?” you aren’t treating yourself or the other person as a child of God. This doesn’t mean for sure that the person is wrong for you or that you can never see them again, although that is a possibility. But for right now, you need to step away from the relationship, and possibly dating in general, until you can refocus on treating people as beloved of Christ. Including yourself.
  3. Does this “settling” feeling keep coming back to haunt me? So you cleared the first two questions, but you’re still not at ease. Maybe you’ve been dating this person for a while, yet still have nagging doubts crop up, or maybe something just feels off and you don’t know why. Don’t just brush aside a gut feeling like this--God gave us instinct for a reason. Take inventory of your feelings to shed some light on this. If you’re noticing a lack of warmth, charity, faith, or chemistry, you might be looking at a red flag in your relationship.
  4. What do my trusted friends and family think? There is something ridiculously reassuring that we don’t have to rely solely on our own intuition! If you are really unsure of what you’re thinking or feeling, talk to your trusted friends. Ask for honest and unbarred critiques and perspective. Then, LISTEN. If people know you are asking for honesty and you value their opinion, they will share. Use this information to help you decide what might be going on in your dating life. Just remember not to let them decide for you; this is your life, and your relationship, and you need to make the final call.

Okay, so you’ve figured out that something is off with one or both of you.

What do you do now? I can’t give you a road map, sadly, since every situation is different. But usually, people can do two things to find what God wants them to do next:

  1. Talk to each other. If you two are anywhere beyond casual dates, this is something you’ll obviously need to discuss. Maybe you’re both feeling that something’s off, and you both need to slow down this dating train together. Maybe your date is completely head over heels, and they had no idea you were having doubts. Maybe your date is the one who knows he/she is in this relationship for the wrong reasons, and just needs an opening to tell you. Maybe your doubts are just your fears about the unknown, and will be put to rest after this conversation. I don’t know, I don’t have the answers. But neither will you, unless you talk to them about it.
  2. Pray about it. Together and separately. Eventually, a decision will have to be made one way or another. Ask for guidance, for direction, and for clarity. Then, act. Doing something and trusting that God will guide you in the right direction is one of the keys to discernment. I’m not saying get married this weekend to see how it feels—I’m saying take a step back from the person you’re unsure of. 
  3. Take a step back. If you’re casually dating, go out with a couple other people. If you’re exclusive, cancel your usual Saturday date and spend it by yourself. Stay with your family or friends for the weekend instead. Do some spiritual reading, take a long walk outside, pray out loud while you’re driving, sit in silent Adoration at church. Reflect on how these prayers and how your change of pace is feeling. Return to talk further with your date once you feel you have been given direction.

Overall, if you find that something other than the person (be it age, fear, pressure, desperation, longing, or something else) is the primary reason behind your relationship, then you can safely say that you are “settling.” Why? “Settling” is not settling for a person, since we are all made in the image of God.  “Settling” is opting for something less than what God has in store. That is not fair to yourself, or to them, or most importantly, to God.

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