Why I Canceled My CatholicMatch Account

I was subscribed to CatholicMatch for roughly three years when I abruptly decided to cancel my account one day.

I have witnessed many friends and acquaintances over the years bemoan their lack of success in finding love over the internet. Frequently offered reasons for giving up include: “It’s too hard to connect with someone you don’t know in real life;” “I feel like it isn’t worth the money;” and the real kicker, “Nobody will message me back.” But in my case it wasn’t the website or the other members who posed the problem; it was me.

I personally know several happily married couples who met online. To naysayers who criticize the use of the internet in finding a date, I typically give my standard response, “Like many things in life, social media is a tool. It’s like a fork, you can either use it to feed yourself or you can stab somebody with it.”

Due to the apparent absence of interested and eligible Catholic men in my immediate vicinity, I had joined the site hoping I too would soon have a success story. But one evening three years later, I was fussing with the search filters when the realization struck me with the shock of a lego under an unsuspecting foot that I had fallen into the ever-present trap of viewing the faces on the screen as products instead of people.

I was browsing the filtered list of faces as a “pick your ideal husband” shop instead of using the website as a tool to aid me in discerning my vocation.

“What color eyes do you want?” “What type of spirituality do you want?” “What kind of temperament do you want?” This mentality, although not a given, is certainly a stronger temptation in the online dating world given the lack of physical presence of the people you are checking out.

As someone who has dedicated a significant chunk of her life to pro-life activism, spreading the message that we are each precious creations made in the image and likeness of God, that startling recognition of my own hypocrisy (albeit unintentional) made me feel physically ill.

So I hit the “deactivate” button and dedicated some time to readjusting my outlook and contemplating the meaning of “Twue Wove” (I can rarely resist a Princess Bride reference) from God’s angle. My takeaway was a fresh understanding of the fact that genuine love requires tremendous courage, because marriage is a contract in the presence of God between two flawed human beings. It is not a matter of if there will be struggles, it is a matter of when. No matter how compatible a man and woman may be, there will be trials in life which test their commitment to each other.

Bearing that in mind, the following are some practices for online dating I have developed that I would like to share for your consideration:

• Before signing in, briefly pray that God will grant you wisdom in your dating choices.
• Be open minded, but also know your boundaries. You can sometimes be surprised by who you click with, but don’t let the draw of someone with a different worldview pull you away from your core values.
• Keep in mind not everyone connects well just by messaging online. If you are struggling to continue a conversation even though you seem to have plenty to talk about, consider a phone call or Skype date.
• Set a limit for how much time you will spend browsing on the site, and stick to it, whether it’s 15 minutes a day, half an hour twice a week, etc. This helps with keeping a sense of objectivity. If need be, recruit a friend to be an accountability partner.
• If you aren’t interested in continuing a conversation with someone, say so. It is better to give a polite, “I’ve enjoyed our conversations but I don’t think this is right for me, God bless you in your search,” than to drag out a conversation and give someone false hope because you are worried about how your answer might affect them.

Ultimately, God’s plan is infinitely superior to anything we mere mortals could contrive, and He will provide whatever is needed to fulfill it.

Following a vocation requires an (admittedly sometimes terrifying) act of trust that if you cooperate with His Will, our Father will guide you on the path that leads to Him, and He will put the people in your life who are meant to collaborate with you in walking that path.