5 Red Flags You Don’t Have to Settle For

We were on the beach when I found out about the other woman.

The moonlit waves hit the shore while we sat in the sand, bundled up on a cold night at the Virginia Beach Oceanfront. My date—a super fun guy I'd met at Mass a month earlier—had taken me out a handful of times but still hadn't broached an important subject: our relationship.

"I've noticed that you never talk about us," I said. He deflected. "You're still not talking about us. Why not?" I asked as he looked at the stars and changed the subject again. Since God is real, I thought to ask a question I otherwise wouldn't have thought to ask: "I'm not the only girl you're dating, am I?" Softly, he answered: "No."

I pulled the plug on the relationship. I wouldn't settle for being one of multiple, and his capacity to keep that kind of secret for that long didn't bode well. I bet for most of us, calling it quits under those circumstances is easy.

But how often have we settled for other bad behavior when we shouldn't have?

Maybe deep down, we have hope for dates who behave badly because we know their innate worth. We believe they can live in accordance with it and that there's nothing a person can do to change his or her infinite value. But this isn't about whether he or she has worth. There's no doubt that he or she does. 

A person's worth isn't what determines whether dating him or her is a good idea. A person's dignity doesn't make him or her ready for marriage. His or her red flags are still red. And here are 5 more you don't have to settle for.

1. Expecting you to be a source of peace.

People aren't peace's source. God is peace's source. And you are not God. A significant other who expects you to be his or her source of peace probably isn't OK when you're not OK. In other words, if you're mad or sad, your significant other is more likely to try to snap you out of that emotion than to let you express it. While that could be because he or she wants you to be happy, it also could be because he or she needs you to be happy in order not to feel anxious him- or herself.

But you're allowed to have moods that change, to experience the full range of emotions. If your partner doesn't have peace unless you're in a certain mood, you might need to take his or her head (figuratively) and turn it back toward Jesus. He or she may need to work through some wounds in counseling. But you don't have to do God's job for significant others—you don't have to be their source of peace.

2. Choosing not to practice chastity.

Chastity is a daily decision to do the right thing regarding sex—-which, for single people, involves abstaining from it. That's because we believe sex is a sacred physical sign of the vows a husband and wife made at the altar, an expression of the unity achieved by the sacrament of matrimony, intended for unity and procreation.

An old post I wrote called Why I Don't Date Men Who Are "Willing" to Save Sex for Marriage says, "I don't want a man who acts chastely; I want a man who is chaste." What's wrong with dating one if he's willing to save sex?

Chastity requires us to govern ourselves. If I date a guy who is only willing to save sex because I say so, he doesn't govern his sexual appetite. I do. And that makes me an enabler. A man whose appetites are always governed by others doesn't learn to govern his appetites himself. Some readers said it would be unfair to rule people out who don't practice chastity. After all, the readers said, you can introduce them to it. To which I say, "Yep, and you don't need to date them to do that."

3. Never asking you to share your thoughts or feelings.

After a difficult conversation with a guy I used to date, he gently asked, "What are you thinking and feeling?" No one I had dated had ever asked. But asking is an invitation to intimacy. It's saying, "I want to see more of you. Your experience of our relationship matters to me. Your feedback is important to me. I'd rather know that you are mad and make amends than protect myself from your feelings because your feelings might make me uncomfortable." It's a willingness to risk discomfort for the sake of the relationship.

What if a significant other never asks? Maybe he thinks he already knows. Or maybe the fact that your thoughts and feelings could differ from hers hasn't occurred to her. But not asking is like saying, "I only want to see the parts of you that are easy to see, the parts that won't challenge or change me." But relationships should challenge us and change us for the better. That probably won't happen for your spouse if you marry somebody who'd rather try to read your mind than let you speak it, who's content not knowing your thoughts and feelings.

4. Refusing to reassure you of his or her love.

I once expressed to an ex that he "doesn't act like a man who loves a woman." He admitted: "I don't understand why I should do anything special for you. I'm your boyfriend. Isn't that enough?" He thought his calling me "girlfriend" should be proof enough of his love—that I should trust his words despite his actions. Having to reassure me of his love by speaking my love languages, putting time with me ahead of hobbies, or involving me deeply in his life felt like chores to him. We aren't meant to settle for that.

I've since learned that when a man is the kind of man who is willing to reassure you, you’ll really never even have to ask him to. Early in our relationship, another boyfriend once said, "I will never tire of reassuring you.” He didn’t know hearing that would be a healing experience. As it turns out, the people who are willing to reassure a significant other of their interest never stop showing it in the first place.

5. Not having a relationship with God.

Psalm 37:4 says, "Find your delight in the Lord, who will give you your heart's desire." That doesn't mean seeking Him first will result in getting what you want. It means when we seek Him first, He provides us with desires. He refines what we want.

He aligns our will with His—which is why it's important as Catholics who love Him to date people who love Him, too. Relationships are always hard. But they're harder when they're with somebody whose decisions, goals, and discernment don't involve God.

Too often, we pick a person we're attracted to out of all people and hope he or she happens to adhere to our faith's extremely specific, counterculture tenets. Let me tell you: Odds are bad. You can hope and pray for his or her conversion, but a nonbeliever or lukewarm Catholic who converts is the exception, not the rule. Yes, the pool of people from which to pick is smaller if you narrow your search to people who already believe what you do. But you're far more likely to thrive with someone who shares your faith.

Whatever the red flag, please don't ignore it.

That doesn't always mean you'll need to end the relationship. It does mean you'll need to speak up, which takes courage.

But you were created able to remind your significant other of his or her identity as a beloved child of God. And he or she was created able, with God's grace, to live a life congruent with that identity.

And you don't have to settle for the bad behavior of a person who won't.