Afraid to Date Someone Who Is Holier Than You?

We’ve all heard the phrase “she’s out of my league,” or perhaps something along the lines of “there’s no way he’d even consider me.”

I’m not sure where these so-called leagues or social classes in regards to dating originated from, yet I think we can all identify with these abstract lines and hold ourselves up against them at times.

While I think it’s very important to know your worth, what you desire in a partner, and hold a level of standards, I can’t help but think that by separating ourselves into leagues, we unnecessarily bench ourselves or others from a chance at bat.

These leagues can be delineated by physical looks, financial status or education level, charisma and general personality, accomplishments, virtue, and last but definitely not least, holiness. I think that last one, holiness, can play out especially amongst Catholic-Christian circles, or perhaps those outside of the circle who may be interested in entering in.

As a mental health therapist, I can’t help but wonder if opting out via the idea that he or she is out of my league is nothing more than an effort to avoid rejection. Sure, it may work, but at what cost?

Sometimes our own insecurities and perceptions of self can be our greatest enemy. It’s a bit ironic, because I can’t help but think that the last thing Christ desires is for us to classify ourselves and hold attitudes of “holier than thou.”

When you see a person who is seemingly “out of your league in holiness,” you have one of two options.

One, you assume rejection and don’t even try, or two, you let that person’s holiness inspire you to up your game in your own faith life and go for it. I have experiences of both.

When dating someone who could have been classified as a league or two below me when it came to our faith-lives, I was humbled by how much the experience challenged me. Sure, I am a practicing Catholic who upholds a certain level of moral conduct and attends weekly Mass, but I was amazed at how inspired I was by him in the little day-to-day ways of genuine kindness and care for others.

One day while my somewhat rough-around-the-edges significant other and I worked together, our fellow co-worker came in and was clearly struggling. While I turned to him to express my annoyance with her continual drama and need for attention, he humbled me to wonder how much she must be hurting. I remember being embarrassed, thinking that our roles should have been reversed, and then angry at myself for assuming I would always have the higher moral ground.

Likewise, I remember dating a man who definitely outshined me in the holiness department—quietly attending daily Masses and holy hours that put my meager attempts at praying consistently to shame. While admittedly annoyed, I recall that once I was able to move past that, I allowed myself to be inspired to do the same. Asking for help in my struggles to commit to prayer, allowing him to lovingly challenge me to turn to the Lord and make necessary changes in behavior.

I think what I’m trying to say, is that predetermined levels of holiness really don’t matter.

A desire to be with the Lord, the ability to overcome our vices and grow in virtue, is something that is stamped on each and every human heart. While I don’t mean to be laissez-faire about dating or act like holiness doesn’t matter...if you’re both reading the same book, then even if one of you is a few pages, or even chapters, ahead of the other, it doesn’t need to be an automatic disqualifier.

What I have found in dating is that my initial perception of the other person is never fully accurate (and I pride myself on being perceptive!). I have been both happily surprised by men I may not have initially paid much attention to, as well as sorely disappointed by men I had idealized in my mind. This has happened with looks, personality, job status, education levels, and also, you guessed it, holiness.

My advice: just give it a try.

While I don’t know the outcome for your dating life and specific efforts with specific individuals, I do know that it’s better to be rejected in reality vs. assuming rejection in our minds. If you’re genuinely interested in someone and are either intimidated by the observed relationship with their faith, or are worried that someone can’t quite keep up, give it a try!

Let go of the of the abstract leagues, continually work on growth in your own faith life, and make space for yourself to be surprised.