Here Are 5 Things NOT to Say When Your Significant Other Is Venting
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The other day, I lost my cool.
A couple of writers whose work I edit missed their deadlines. My own deadlines loomed. With short notice, new projects popped up. My workload surged and so did my stress level. By the end of the day, I needed to vent.
I called my boyfriend, who listened as I listed every single stressor. "That is frustrating," he agreed. His presence and his patience played important roles in saving what I almost lost that day—my mind. That's because his response when somebody vents has power. Yours does, too.
What you do when a loved one vents can connect or disconnect you. It can serve your significant other or be a disservice. If you'd rather help your significant other than hurt your relationship, there are five things not to say when he or she is venting:
1. "OK, but devil's advocate: ..."
If you are called to marriage, hear this: God didn't create you to advocate for the devil. He created you to advocate for your spouse. Yes, there's a time to point out perspectives that are different from a loved one's, but while he or she is venting isn't it.
Venting serves a specific purpose—and it's usually to let the venter unload stress. You may add to your boyfriend or girlfriend’s stress when, by playing devil's advocate, you express empathy for your loved one's stressor instead of for your loved one. Or when, as devil's advocate, you come to the stressor's defense instead of to your boyfriend's. Or when, also as devil's advocate, you give away to her stressor what your girlfriend actually needs: your compassion.
2. "At least..."
Lots of people like to find a silver lining for a loved one who vents. They think a silver lining can reduce a frustrated person's stress. But whether a silver lining can reduce stress is actually irrelevant because a wife who vents isn't asking her husband to reduce her stress. She's asking him to let her express it.
When she vents about her hard workday and he says, "at least you have a job," he is being more attentive to what isn't on her mind than to what is. He communicates no empathy for what she feels. And rather than providing a safe space for her to feel it, he implicitly asks her to stop feeling it and to feel something else instead.
3. "All you need to do is..."
My boss once told me he doesn't understand why one spouse would offer advice while the other vents. And I agree. To paraphrase him, by the time people vent, they've been immersed in the stressor. They know more about it than they've told me. When they vent, they need me to be present to them, not to solve the problem.
There can be virtue in trying to help by offering advice. But if I do it while someone vents (or if he or she hasn't asked for it), there also may be audacity. I’ve known for 60 seconds about a problem my loved one has lived with for days. Do I really think I've solved it? I also need to consider whether the person who vents even wants me to solve it. And it should matter to me if he or she doesn't.
4. "Why?"
Why did you do that? Why didn't you do that? Why do you feel that way? Many "why" questions naturally elicit defensive answers. They aren't bad, but they are more harmful than helpful when a loved one is venting. A wife who asks her husband why his stressor bothers him so much is asking him to defend his emotions when what he's trying to do is express them.
A husband who asks his wife why she did what she did is asking her to defend her position when what she needs to do right now is express it. It's OK to be curious about why the people you love do what they do but it's for the best to ask them later.
5. Nothing.
You can't not communicate. Even silence says something. But what it says may not be what a venting loved one needs to hear. There are ways to validate and connect with people who vent that will serve them better than the devil's advocate, a silver lining, a word of advice, or a why question. Empathize, like my boyfriend did: "That is frustrating." Be supportive: "That's the worst. Would you like to tell me more? I'm happy to listen." Or ask what they need from you: "What can I do right now that would help you the most?"
Most of the time, what a person who vents needs is just for you to listen—which can be difficult if you can see a perspective that he or she can't or you can't stand to see him or her feeling sad. But this isn’t about never saying these five things. It’s about using discernment to determine when you should say them.
Ask yourself what's more important to you: satisfying your loved one's actual need or responding in the way that most satisfies you? Consider what need your significant other has communicated to you by venting. And decide whether, out of love for him or her, you want to meet it.
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