Trauma Bonding: When You Know It’s Time To Break Up, But Feel You Can’t

Let’s face it, when the holy sacrament of marriage is on the line, discerning the right person for a lifelong commitment is tough. Few people—ideally, exactly one person—will fit that mold.  For those who are dating in order to find “the one,” that usually means letting down several people who are not. But why is it so hard to walk away from some people, even when we know they don’t make the cut?

Healthy relationships may end. Unhealthy relationships may not but should.

There are a number of reasons why relationships don’t work out.

Two healthy people can usually find a mutually agreeable, respectful way to break up if it’s not meant to be. Breakups can still be awkward, but when respect for the human person is evident in the relationship, a necessary breakup tends to work itself out naturally.

However, if one or both people are in an unhealthy place, this greatly increases the chance for problems to occur, including trauma bonding.

Some relationships form a trauma bond, making breaking up hard to do. What causes this?

A trauma bond is what it sounds like. We are all created to live in connection to one another. But if the relationship is toxic for any reason, the connecting bond is formed from less-than-desirable circumstances.

1. Fear

Fear of being alone, fear of rejection and disappointment, and fear of change are all common bad reasons people stay together when they know they shouldn’t. Fear is the common thread that binds people together with a false sense of duty or commitment.

2. Inconsistent messages

Trauma bonds usually occur when there is an inconsistent message in the relationship. One partner goes back and forth between love bombing, then criticizing or discarding the other.

3. Unhealthy dependency

This pattern forms a sense of dependence on the toxic person, and all of one’s energy is spent trying to please or prevent disharmony. It’s the sort of thing that happens gradually over time.

Ultimately, one partner will know that the pattern is toxic, but they are so conditioned to cope with the poor situation, they feel they can’t walk away.  The more psychologically toxic a relationship is, the more difficult it can be to leave.

Trauma bonds also have a physiological dimension.

In addition to the learned behavior pattern, there is a physiological reaction going on.  Trauma bonds cause a teeter-totter release of the hormones cortisol (stress) and dopamine (love). Eventually, the body responds by avoiding anything that might trigger the release of cortisol, such as confronting a bad behavior or having a difficult conversation.

In other words, even if you know something is not right, your physical body is conspiring against you to avoid right action.

How do you know if you have a trauma bond with someone?

There is a wide range of experience that qualifies as symptoms of a trauma bond, from feeling stuck or anxious about letting someone down to fearing for one’s life. Trauma bonds can occur in romantic relationships, between parents and children, and even in social and spiritual groups.

Any situation where there is a one-sided expectation for love and/or attention poses a potential risk.

In some traumatic situations, captives can fall in love with their abusers as a form of coping. The brain is better able to survive the threat if it tricks itself into thinking the abuser is good. In extreme cases, such as the famous kidnapping/ hostage event in Stockholm, Sweden, for which the term “Stockholm Syndrome” is coined, the victims bond so closely with their captors, they would do anything to defend them.

Trauma bonds are the distortion of true, healthy attachment.

As creatures of habit, all bonds, including the unhealthy ones, are hard to break. Our desire for love and connection is hard-wired into us. When we are bonded to healthy people, it mirrors the kind of loving, joyful, healing relationships God wants for us and with us. When we are bonded to unhealthy people, it feels like our worst nightmares come true.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship and are struggling in any way to get out, seek professional help.

If you fear violence or retaliation of any kind, whether it’s physical or emotional, don’t go it alone. Find a therapist trained specifically in trauma.

Even if you think it’s not a big deal, surrounding yourself with the accountability and support you need is essential to help you heal and move on.

Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/