We Had Sex. Now What?
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My recent article entitled On Chastity: How To Just Do It resonated with people and started a great discussion in the comment box about living out chastity in a dating relationship. One comment from Eloise stood out among the rest:
I think a really good conversation, that would help many people, would be a conversation about what to do if you mess up. Other than going to confession of course!
Yes, that would make for a great conversation! The easy answer that I’ve heard so many chastity speakers give is “just date chastely from the beginning, and don’t put yourself in situations where you may have premarital sex.”
That sounds well and good, but you already messed up. What do you do?
Be Forgiven
Confession is the best place to start picking up the pieces. The Author of Life restores the life of grace in our soul through the words of the priest, “I absolve you of your sins…” The Father of Mercy opens up His arms and embraces His prodigal child with the words, “Your sin is forgiven, go, and sin no more.”
Even though our sin is forgiven, the effects of our sin are still present. I once cut my hand very badly while slicing open an avocado. The knife was in and out, but the wound persisted. Confession takes the sin out of our soul, but we still need to work to fix the wound of unchastity.
All relationships involve two people and both people in the relationship need to work, as a couple, at fixing the brokenness caused by lust. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is unwilling to work toward a chaste relationship or refuses to help fix the brokenness caused by premarital sex, then the relationship is broken and you need to move on and end that relationship.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t see premarital sex as something wrong, or even worse, if he/she insists it be part of your relationship, run away as quick as you can!
So what does the couple, hurt by impurity, need to do to heal the wound? I suggest three things: pray together, set clear boundaries, and ask a friend to be an accountability partner.
Pray Together
During one of my marriage preparation meetings with the priest, father asked me and my fiancee if we prayed together. He said that most couples are willing to be naked with each other, but are too ashamed to stand before the Lord in prayer.
Adam and Eve hid themselves in the garden after they sinned so the best way to recover from sin is by standing before the Lord and praying.
My fiancée and I pray together each day. It has kept us chaste throughout dating relationship and even in our engagement. We call each other every morning to pray our morning prayers together. When we see each other, we always greet each other with a kiss and then three Hail Mary’s asking for chastity. Before we leave each other at night, we stand before the crucifix and pray whatever comes to the heart (you don’t always need to pray using a formula prayer like the Hail Mary). We make it a point to attend Mass together on Sunday and pray the Rosary together.
Prayer is a powerful tool to heal a relationship damaged by sexual sin. And in healing your relationship, you are setting the groundwork for a solid future and holy relationship.
Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries and rules are viewed by our culture as limiting and restricting our freedom. But boundaries are good because sometimes those boundaries tell us where the edge of the cliff is, and helps us to avoid falling into grave sin.
I’m reminded of the old Roadrunner cartoons I watched growing up as a kid. The coyote was so intent on catching the roadrunner that he would run off a cliff. He would look down, realize his mistake then fall hard to the ground. Set boundaries with your boyfriend or girlfriend so you don’t run off the cliff like the coyote.
Here are some possible boundaries you may want to consider:
- No passionate or tongue kissing.
- Keep your clothes on and no groping, and definitely no touching the private areas of the body.
- No living together before marriage and no spending the night at each other's house.
- End your time together at a specific time and perhaps even set an alarm to remind you to leave.
Boundaries for each couple vary and also seem to move depending on the circumstances. One day you may be able to show your affection in a certain way, and the next day it may be completely inappropriate. If you are recovering from sexual sins, make sure those boundaries are strict and adhere to them like your life depends on it.
Find An Accountability Partner
“Accountability is the ability and willingness to give an account to someone else of your actions and motives.” (From How to find an accountability partner)
Choose a close friend or maybe even a spiritual director, to give an account to of how you and your significant other spent your time. Ask them to help you stay within your established boundaries. If for example, you decide to set your departing time at 10 pm (remember no staying over at your boyfriend/girlfriend's house), ask your accountability partner to give you a call at 10:05 pm to make sure that you left. You must also be honest with him or her. Your accountability partner is there to help you not condemn you.
Here is a great article with wise advice on how to choose an accountability partner.
Thanks Eloise for the comment. I’m sure a lot of people are searching for the same answers. If you suffer in your relationship from the wound caused by a lack of chastity, I hope and pray that you find some healing through prayer, setting strict boundaries, and an accountability partner. God will certainly heal you and reward you with virtue and happiness.
Mary, Virgin Most Pure, pray for us!
St. Joseph, Mary's Most Chaste Spouse, pray for us!
Find Your Forever.
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